No matter what your background is, albeit straight, gay, bi and everything in between, we all have aspects to another person that we like. When it comes to the sexual aspects of a partner or partners, it can often lead to the term “fetish” which can either turn someone on or completely off depending on what it particularly is. As someone who has always been a bigger dude, my weight or “huskiness” has been a particular weakness in other guys who find me attractive, but some take it to extremes that lead me to ask the question: Are you into me for me, or my weight?
Let’s take for instance the hilarity I find in online apps and guys who just randomly message me on Facebook with photos and questions they would never say in person. Being greeted with lines like “God, you are a cute & chunky fella” to “You are hot for your size”, isn’t exactly something that’s going to turn me on in an instant, yet it does for other guys. It gets them off knowing that someone finds them sexually appealing because they have weight to them. For me, it’s a bit confusing as I’m OK with being a bigger dude, but not so sure that I like hearing that from someone else as the potential sole reason to why they are reaching out to me in the first place.
I have detailed this in other articles where my weight goes up and down and up and down, and in doing so brings in a new portion of gay men who find me hot with the weight off, and shuns away men who preferred when my waist size was a couple of rungs up. There is also that interesting middle space where you are “not a cub, not yet a chub” in sort of Britney reference where your playing field is somewhat open to many, but when it comes down to it, does it make you feel good when someone is objectifying you to a degree because of your size?
I had a situation where I hung out with a guy out in Long Island. We had a better friendship than anything, yet when we were intimate, he would spend his time literally grabbing my stomach fat and other areas as opposed to holding me or other ways to be intimate. It was odd, kind of hurt, and did nothing for me besides have it become a bit painful, yet he loved it. It got him off. It got me annoyed. He would try to explain at length that he just found me so attractive and loves that aspect on a guy, yet for me it just didn’t make me feel good. The bear community has a sense of doing that when it comes to weight, so it’s not like this is anything new for me and many others out there.
Weight and the Bear Community kind of go together like Peanut Butter and Jelly in that it is a topic that is discussed endlessly in a variety of ways. We all struggle with our own version of how we want to look for not only a desired partner in life (or for a night), but also to the community as a whole. Many of us expect to find ourselves on media-driven shows in the movies and television, hence the fierce backlash of LOGO’s new show “Fire Island”, in which a good portion of the community complained that it once again highlighted the stereotypical “in shape” type of dudes that shows often do. It leads to a complicated viewpoint from guys who are of a certain size who can’t seem to figure out if this is what society deems they should be or if they should ignore it and not feel that the media should determine how they should look.
Ultimately, is this insecurity in my own looks? Probably. I might just hate that I don’t enjoy being looked at because of my weight, and maybe I should be in better shape and whatnot. That’s for me to decide, and not some random dude at a bar or online though. This community can be so built on sex and top/bottom/vers appeal and so much more, that it can really break someone down who simply wants so much more than to be viewed as in that way. Maybe it comes down to this: if you enjoy it, have at it. However if you are in a situation with a partner where it makes you feel uncomfortable, speak up. Don’t allow someone’s fetish to spark your insecurities, its not fair for you in the moment and in life.