Rupauls Drag Race Season 5
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Welcome to RuPaul’s Drag Race!! Are you excited? I know I am, even though I have no idea who these people are! Let’s bust out our control top panty hose and get going!

The first thing I notice about the opener is that there are no big girls here. It’s all skinny femme girls. Oh boy. There’s going to be a lot of screaming, I can tell. Let’s meet the ladies.

Detox dances and sings and I already don’t care. It’s Willam 2.0. Roxxxy comes in and needs to blend, or something. I’m confused by the shade of her base. Jade is pretty much a girl. No really. Serena shows up in a tulle dress but with no Spanish accent. Interesting. Alyssa informs us that she’s the Vanessa Williams of drag. I wonder how Ms. Williams feels about this. Jinkx is Seattle’s Youngest MILF and another actor. I don’t know if I have the strength. Penny shows up as our resident big girl, and is also the fan favorite, and makes a big deal about that. Vivianne is an Asian Bettie Paige wannabe. Alaska is Sharron Needles’ boyfriend and shows up in a horse mask. Everyone’s awkward. Honey is giving us Pam Grier realness. Ivy comes in trying too hard. Monica whatever can’t say her name without saying her full name. Lineysha Sparks is our resident Spanish speaker. Coco comes in last. I’m assuming you know what that means…

Uh oh! There’s already drama going on between the girls!

She-Mail! RuPaul’s all shook up! Is it another disaster motif? The dolls start screaming and somewhere a group of Justin Bieber fans think it’s too much.

Instead of a disaster, we’re starting out in the pool. The pit crew’s in speedos and I don’t care about anything else except more Sean Morales. Jade comes in and somehow manages to miss the giant tin of water. Yeah.

It’s going to be Esther Williams homage. I can’t imagine that this will be good for their outfits and make-up. Serena’s paella is showing and it turns out she wasn’t tucking, due to a poufy dress. The other dolls give her the Look. Half these people can’t handle water. No, really. Who are these people who don’t ever learn how to swim? Pool parties? Beaches? Like they NEVER go near the water. I’m so confused. There’s the obvious Shelley Winters joke with Penny. Alaska doesn’t know how to go deep and we just leave it at that. Everyone has “I’m holding my breath” face.

Apparently, Jinkx has narcolepsy. I doubt this is the last we’ll hear of this.

Detox wins, and it’s actually a fun picture.

Tomorrow is going to be a shopping spree and everyone’s excited, but realizes that could be a lot of things. Also, Jinkx, take off the Downtown Julie Brown hat.

The dolls get on a double decker tourist bus and start passing by “celebrities” like LaToya and Chas. It’s weird. There’s lots of lip-synching and I have no idea what’s going on. Somewhere, Connie and Carla are jumping in their seats.

The bus stops outside of a boutique and out comes Camille Grammar, who knows ALL about men in dresses, if you catch my drift. She sends them around the back, and everyone looks lost. They’re met by RuPaul in a giant pink Hazmat suit. All the dumpsters in the alley are filled with swag and they have a minute to grab as much shit as they can so they can make a red carpet dress. There’s more screaming and hollering. Take off the damn hat, Jinkx!

Back at headquarters, Roxxxy has a make-up dress that she always wears. Alaska is the first to get naked and apparently has a huge cock. There’s some drama between Jade and one of the others who has a huge overbite and a bolt of red sequined fabric. Shade is thrown, again, and I’m starting to roll my eyes.

Dressmaking time! It’s a mix of talents and abilities. Serena’s going super slow and Ru’s concerned. Jade talks more shit about her. Roxxxy talks about her recent weight loss and we all tell her she looks great. Penny discusses her dress and Ru looks unconvinced. Alaska’s making a saran wrap dress. Yup. That’s right.

While they’re getting ready, everyone talks more shit about everyone else. Alaska bring sup that he’s dating Sharron and everyone starts asking about their sex life. He’s apparently insecure about it all, and Overbite digs and digs. Serena interrupts everyone with a screech that makes Tyra’s voice seem beautiful. More shade. I don’t care. Let’s meet the judges.

Tonight, we have Mike Ruiz, who’s pretty but…. yeah, he’s pretty. The other judge is Camille Grammar. Why not? Runway time!

Roxxxy still needs to blend but the judges like the dress.

Jinkx just wrapped herself in fabric.

Detox is non-descript.

Ivy’s dress looks well sewn and her hair is very Janice Dickenson

Honey’s dress is weird, but I like the top (Shut up)

Jade looks like NBC and a Carol Channing hooker had a kid.

Alysssa’s was fun until she opened the cape thing.

Penny’s a scroll down which gets worse and worse the further you go down.

Coco looks like a frosting disaster.

Vivienne does the same mid-thigh chiffon train thing.

Alaska’s actually came together. Go her.

Lynesha’s dress is rather dramatic and kind of cool though could fit a bit better.

Monica is Dida 2.0

Serena just looks . . . weird.

Ru berates the safe girls and they all cry.

The judges love Roxxxy’s dress and she butters up RuPaul by showing off how she bought Ru’s shoes. Ivy’s sewing impresses the judges, but Santino wants some trash thrown in. I’m leaving that alone. Jade has too much going on. Yes. Yes she does. The judges talk about Penny and her dress and her shading, and the camera keeps focusing on Roxxxy. Everyone loves Alaska. Lynesha reveals that her dress was wallpaper and I’m impressed, and don’t mind the fit. Serena looks too much like a little Latin boy in a lederhosen dress. So true.

The judges like Roxxxy and I don’t know why. Michelle calls Ivy’s gown “eloguent” but hates her hair. Santino can’t tell where Jade’s taste level is. Michelle hates the scroll down on Penny. Mike was pleasantly surprised by Alaska, as we all where, but Michelle wants some big ol’ Jersey Girl earrings. The judges talk about Lynesha’s show like Manila didn’t do it two seasons ago. We all hate Serena. Looks like Penny and Serena, folks!

Roxxxy wins the whole she-bang, which I didn’t expect. Ru tells Jade to edit, which, let’s hope THAT happens. Up for elimination? Serena and Penny. Lip-synching to Party in the U.S.A.  Yawn. Serena is giving us MOUTH, gworl and is all over the stage. Looks like it’s going to be nothing but skinny bitches after this. Penny doesn’t know the words and covers it up, while Serena is actually performing. Probably because she’s actually heard of the song, and Penny’s all “Miley who?” Serena stay. Go fig.

Next week! Skinny bitches do stuff! I know I’ll be watching!