Dance momsIt’s Dance Moms time! Have you been keeping up? In case you haven’t, there have been lots and lots of screaming. All the dancers were replaced and then brought back. Caught up? Good.

Some random dude calls up from last week’s competition. There’s a big issue. The duet that won ended up not winning and got second place, which as we all know, is first place for LOOSERS. Abbey looks way too pleased about this, and of course, brings this up to the moms just to be a bitch. We move onto the Pyramid of Shame. Kendall is there because she sucks. Maddie’s there because Kendall’s there and they were a team. Nia’s there because she’s black. Second tier is Paige and our La Luce, Chloe. McKenzie’s on top and thus back in the group routine.

We’re going to Intensity Dance and someone really needs to come up with new names for these things. Two of the replacements that Abbey kicked out are going to be there. DRAMA. McKenzie will be featured in a solo and everyone else will be doing an acrobatic routine for the group number. Oh, and it’s based on the Arabian Nights, just because we want to offend everyone. Christi hears that there’s a standing back tuck and puts her foot down. She and Abbey yell at each other for a while, and Abbey takes Chloe’s solo away.

Abbey informs us that we’re using Authentic Arabian Hand Moves in this. She knows this how? Up in the Dance Moms Passive Aggressive Lounge, the moms talk about Chloe, and we’re back to Season One, only Maddie’s not the start of the show. It looks like the last few episodes are being swept under the rug. Hopefully forgotten for good. During all this, Melissa hates that Maddie doesn’t have a solo and talks to Abbey about it. Abbey immediately pulls the “I’ve done everything for you!” and I have flashbacks to bad breakups. As Maddie and McKenzie go get ready to go home, Abbey and Teenographer are gossiping in the lobby, because they’re professionals.

The girls need more acrobatics for the competition and this gives Abbey another reason to yell at Chloe some more! Chloe starts crying and I’m reminded that no dance teacher worth their salt can or should get away with this. No really. If you, dear reader, see this, yank your kid out of that school. It’s not worth it. The moms talk about solos up in the DMPAL. They’re bonding, and like Jill, until Melissa decides that maybe she hasn’t been kissing Abbey’s ass enough. McKenzie chokes in the group dance, and everyone stops. Kelly is exasperated since her kids are getting the shaft. I see that there are other moms in the studio and get distracted while the Dance Moms talk about something.

Abbey calls Chloe into her studio and totally negs her with a “you shouldn’t have this because you’re an ungrateful little snot, but I’m giving you a solo. We could already have this done with, but your mom had to totally be a bitch.” The theme is . . . did she just say apartheid? I swear that’s what she said, but later, it sounds like “hunted” which doesn’t make sense. Either way.

Maddie talks to Abbey about how what she really really wants to do is dance. Abbey starts crying like John Boehner and rejects her and blames a TEN YEAR OLD for not going against her mother and BLAMES her for her mother’s choice to walk out. Why is this woman allowed to work with children?

We have one day to learn everything. McKenzie has to act, not smize, and it’s all wrong. In the DMPAL, the moms are looking up Studio Blue. We cut to Abbey screaming at eight year old McKenzie. Not a good look.

At Intensity, there’s already drama, and Studio Blue walks in with their Bitch Faces on. Abbey starts out by psyching out McKenzie. Way to totally freak out your child dancer, woman. This ends up with McKenzie going on stage, and trying too hard, and finally choking. It’s played like a big deal, but it turns out that it’s only for a moment, and she gets right back into it and keeps going. But we all know Abbey is going to read her for filth. The moms talk to her like normal moms but then Abbey jumps in and starts chewing her out for every little thing and then yells at her for coming up with a new step when she paused on stage. Kids crying in this episode? Three.

Gauntlets are thrown in the hall and there’s talk about what everyone’s ages is. The ghost of Cathy hangs over everything, scowling. Studio Blue girl dances and it’s an annoying preteen contemporary. The other girl comes out and it’s all lyrical faux ballet. There’s a lot of stopping and getting into poses and no musicality. Use your turn out, dear.

Chloe comes out looking like sexy Little Eddie. The dance is actually good, which makes me think Abbey didn’t choreography. Afterwards, Abbey storms in to tell Chloe how crappy she was and there are not enough eye rolls. Then we move on to Abbey telling everyone  how they aren’t dedicated enough and how Christi should be taking her daughter out of school early just to come to dance class. This starts more yelling. Abbey brings out Melissa’s past history with men, because that’s appropriate in front of the girls. Maddie starts crying, and Abbey blames Melissa. Really, who is this woman? She storms out, leaving everyone to get ready on their own.

Group numbers! The Studio Blue girls all have breasts and I wonder about the 11-12 age range. Abbey thinks the dance is outstanding. I think its ok. Arabian Nights comes on, and it’s pretty boring with lots of stop, acrobatic trick, and move on.

McKenzie gets third place, and of course, Abbey is pissed. One of the Blue dancers gets fourth. Chloe is first runner up and the other Blue girl gets first, and I’m pretty damn sure this has been scripted.

The judges announce that some group did the Cell Block Tango, and I’m unimpressed. Arabian Nights gets fourth place and everyone is flabbergasted. Studio Blue gets first place, because this isn’t scripted at ALL. Abbey comes backstage and there’s more yelling and I swear she’s a Republican because she keeps doing the same stupid thing over and over and then blames everyone else. Even more yelling and I realize that the daughters are in the room. Christi calls Abbey an ugly fattie and Kelly ushers everyone out. Ugh.

Next week! CANDY APPLES IS BACK WITH A BOY BAND!!! You can’t know how excited this makes me feel. Join me!