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abbyleemillerdance80371Last time on Dance Moms, Abby broke down because of her dog and the moms broke down just because! Let’s move on.

Abby comes in to congratulate everyone on winning, but it wasn’t the best performance so they all suck. Despite being told to improv, Chloe didn’t do what Abby told her to do, and therefore sucked the most. On to the Pyramid of Shame. Paige is on the bottom because she was good, but not good enough. She needs to use her face more. Kendall doesn’t stick out. Brooke is 14 and not acting like the leader of the group, whatever that means. Nia’s on the second tier because she didn’t win everything. Holly, however, is very proud of her daughter. McKenzie joins her. Maddie is on top because she’s the bestest at everything and Chloe doesn’t exist. Christi opines that this is what Chloe wants and I really can’t believe that. Jill rolls her eyes.

We’re going to Bernardsville, NJ, which, from what I understand, Abby mispronounces. Apparently there’s amazing technique in New Jersey, because, let me guess, they’re right next to New York City. Try again, Abby. McKenzie isn’t in the group dance, so she gets a solo. Everything is love themed this week. The group number is that Dream My Dream piece from last week. McKenzie gets some piece called “Love is War.” Maddie’s is called “Lifeline.” Nia and Kendall will be doing a duet called “Dig It.”

A boy comes in and everyone starts screaming. He will be joining us for the group number, because what’s a love story without an underage boy of questionable sexuality? The dance is “musical theater” in nature and I hear a song that sounds like it was written by Adele and sung by a budget version of Josh Groban. Brooke is the mother of Maddie, and Brooke is dying and she’s in love with the guy and . . . oh, who cares, it’s already too complicated for two minutes.

In the Dance Moms Passive Aggressive Lounge, the moms are talking about First Love, and there’s a lot of giggling. Kelly points out that none of their daughters have had their first love yet. Jill and Melissa then think it would be a GREAT idea to take Abby speed dating. Abby stops and bitches that the moms chatting is disturbing to the kids. Well, then, don’t put a giant window there. Abby does some sort of shimmy and Jill comes in to butter her up for the event.

The next day, Chloe and Christi are late. The moms wonder what’s going on, and it turns out that it was traffic and no one speaks of this again. Abby doesn’t even yell. Christi mentions how she doesn’t like how Abby is mean to her daughter and the other moms feel that their kids get it too.

Downstairs, McKenzie is practicing with Abby, who is in full make up and nails. Apparently, McKenzie’s piece is about a couple fighting, because a 7 year old would know ALL about that. The moms drag Abby out, where Jill has rented a limo. Kelly and Christi hop in and Abby immediately turns around. Jill bitches that Melissa got jealous, so Jill had to start inviting people. Finally, Jill just asks Christi to stay, and Christi hops out of the car, ok with it. Inside, Teenographer works with the girls and Christi stews about being left behind. Why didn’t you say something?

The women are drinking in the limo and asking Abby what kind of man she wants. Apparently, she wants younger George Clooney who speaks five languages and that’s about it. Oh, and no pigeon toes. Good to know. They arrive at the restaurant and Abby’s taking this in good stride. She sits down and starts interrogating the first man she has. Apparently, she brought a list. Oh good. Bartender is 33 and owns a tuxedo. Carl is chewing gum, but his mother owned a dance studio. Darryl is a former professional football player and is black, as Abby points out the moment he sits down. She is in awe of his jock-ness and informs him that she was a fifty yard girl, aka did it on the fifty yard line. Puh and lease.

The next day, we see that the duet will be danced with spades. Oh, dig it. I get it. It blows.  Both of them are too slow and Nia keeps missing turns. It’s a bad rehearsal, and then Maddie walks in. Maddie comes some Kristi Yamaguchi turns (anytime you turn and draw your hands up, instead of just putting them where they need to be). Jill leaves to go talk to Teenographer about working with Kendall, alone. The moms see this an immediately head downstairs. Meanwhile, costumes are given out and that’s a ton of veils. The moms, back from confronting Jill, talk about Abby’s “man” in LA, whom Kelly points out is gay. Abby tells the girls about speed dating, because professionalism and Christi makes jokes about weddings and funerals.

At the competition, Abby’s nervous to be back in Jersey, because bad things happen there. Yeah. Cause’ its Jersey . . . kidding! While getting ready, we find that Nia’s sick. Holly doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it, but Abby’s already trying to give away the piece to Maddie. Apparently, Nia has bronchitis, because everyone’s a doctor, and Jill immediately starts trying to turn this into a Kendall solo. Maddie listens in and actually calls her out on it, while the moms give Jill stink eye.

McKenzie comes out and does her solo. What does this have to do with someone in a relationship? I don’t get it. Everyone’s happy, but she didn’t use her FACE so Abby’s upset. Jill pulls Teenographer and makes her go over the duet with only Kendall in the hall. Holly comes out to try and bring Nia into the mix. Abby starts pushing buttons. People are gathering. Jill doesn’t see how this was a private instruction session and thinks the moms are crazy. Abby pushes more buttons and asks if she’d rather have a good dancer for a daughter or be liked by her friends.

The duet starts and the girls are wearing hard hats, hot pants and bras. Good grief. Maddie does her solo, and she’s also wearing a bra for maximum denial. Her dance is less dance and more rhythmic gymnastics, but everyone loves it. The moms bicker backstage.

The group dance goes on and is a hot mess. There’s no coherent story, especially since they’re all wearing wedding dresses. This was our best foot? Anyway, there are switch leaps and stupid male tricks. The crowd loves it.

McKenzie’s ends up with second in her group, and so does Maddie. Abby is NOT happy about that. Dig It gets fifth and Your Dream is Whatever gets second, which is the Biggest Loser. The girls come in and the moms are immediately supportive, until Abby breezes in and wonders why they all sucked so much for not being able to translate their love of dance into a coherent story where there wasn’t one before.

The credits roll. Next week starts two two hour episodes! I certainly can’t wait . . .