I’m sure that many of my readers have gotten to that point in a Grindr/Scruff conversation where it turns out that both of you are versatile bottoms and the conversation grinds to a halt. Yet, both of you/us have the term “versatile” in the label, so you’d think that someone would be able to step up to the plate and take charge.
Or, possibly even better, take turns being the dom top for the next 15 minutes.
“That’s not what I’m looking for!!!” you/I might say. “I really love giving head, and that’s what I really want to do, tonight!!” Sure. Just like last night, and the night before and the night before that. So, why are we even putting the term “versatile” before “bottom?” It seems like versatile implies that you are more than willing to do more than one thing. Yet, many of our sexual histories imply something different.
I’m pretty sure much of this comes from the bottom shaming that I’ve brought up in the past. I wouldn’t be surprised to find that many of us don’t want to be seen as the dirty cum bucket that the term “bottom” might conjure up. Plus, twinks are bottoms. Short guys are bottoms. Feminine guys are bottoms. And we are not those things. We might not be fitness models, but we’re 5’8 and above! We’re not twinks (Because, you know, we could really stand to lose 10 pounds), and we’re certainly not feminine, as our facial hair and passing knowledge of sports will attest to. So of course, we’re not TOTAL bottoms. We just like getting fucked by the right guy. Who happens to live 0.25 miles away, well hung, and under 30.
Of course, it’s just sex. So, why am I thinking about this too hard? I’ve seen some form of this statement/question posted on many a profile. Don’t take it too seriously. I would suggest the same thing, though. If it’s just sex, why isn’t it about getting off with someone who isn’t completely unfortunate, instead of a laundry list of stats required to make our Sean Cody gang bang fantasy come true. I have seen so many people, and I include myself in this, who seem to unintentionally sabotage themselves looking for the unattainable, and completely ignoring the possible.
So, what does this mean in a practical sense?
I would say it means it’s time to drop the “Versatile” label if we’re not interested in fucking. And I don’t mean this in the way I was totally bisexual in high school because I could totally see myself possibly maybe liking a female at some theoretical point in time. Let’s start by having an in depth conversation with ourselves about what we really want in bed. This means examining a lot of our wants and perceived wants and facing certain things about ourselves. Sex is about giving as well as receiving. Yes, we all have deal breakers, but despite many 19 year olds’ protestations, labels actually do mean something as we navigate our complicated human experiences. If you’re really a bottom, feel free to embrace that. But, if you’re going to be versatile, try being a top sometimes. Let your expectations go, and hook up with someone you think is hot, but who wants to get pounded. Be the top you want to find, and maybe you might just like it or find that when you’re willing to compromise, others are more willing to compromise, too.