So, September has fucking started, and here in the Tri-State Area (who the fuck really uses that term?), Summer has informed us that it’s still not fucking over yet. And yet, I’ve been seeing some stupid fucking Facebook posts freaking out about that disgusting Pumpkin Spice Latte. Oh, and then there’s this chick. And then Snopes got in on the action. And I’m sure if I felt like it, I could find more, but I’m not going to because it’s a fucking pumpkin spice latte, fuckos!!! I really have no goddamned clue why some of you freak out about this damned drink that’s available from SEPTEMBER THROUGH MARCH, if not longer than that because some fucking stores have the forefucking though to stock extra, knowing that you evil pieces of crap will come flouncing into a coffee shop in Mid-April looking like a fucking afterschool special, crawling to the counter to raise one fucking fist full of cash and croak out “Pumpkin.. spice… latte… NO FOAM!!!!!!” before passing out on top of all five of your designer knock off bags (seriously. Get a fucking backpack, folks!!). It’s fucking everywhere, and school just started. Those wee little kids are bemoaning the loss of summer. IT’S STILL FUCKING HOT OUTSIDE!! Calm down! No really, it’s not motherfucking decorative gourd season, yet, motherfuckers!! Why? Cause I’m still dealing with humidity driven swamp ass, and most sane people are dreading the approach of fucking Jingle Bell Season, which, this year, will start sometime around October fucking 5th.
And we’re friends with you, so we know that come January fucking 5th, your Facebook feed will be nothing but complaining about the fucking cold, FOR THE NEXT THREE MONTHS. If you want this disgusting concoction of chemicals to invade your body, go for it. Hell, go fucking crazy with the fucking pumpkin flavored shit, like you even know what pumpkin tastes like. I’ll give you a hint. Not those fucking scones you’re eating. Besides, weren’t you just gluten free six months ago?!! September just fucking started. If you want a fucking pumpkin spice latte, get a fucking pumpkin spice latte. Just stop instagramming that shit, or pinteresting pumpkin recipes that you’ll never fucking make BECAUSE YOU THINK FUNFETTI IS FANCY COOKING! Calm the fuck down!!! We still have a month before Fall really starts and I get to judge you for buying a last minute costume at Rickys.
