Downton Abbey Recap: It’s Never Lupus

Last time on Everybody Hates Edith, everyone hated Edith for writing an op-ed, while Matthew felt guilty, now and forever. Maggie Smith said something sassy that you and all your friends have already memorized. Everyone caught up? Good. Remember, this is a recap, and yes, beyond this point, there are spoilers.

Dr. Clarkson is with Lady Sybil and everything’s fine and Tom is glowing. I like him when he smiles. I’ve heard rumors that he will be shirtless soon, and I like that even better. *ahem*

Downstairs, the servants are talking amongst themselves before dinner. There is the new footman, whose name escapes me, but since he looks like the Nazi kid in “The Sound of Music”, I’m going to call him Rolf. Anyway, Thomas has been flirting with “Rolf” and it’s painfully obvious to EVERYONE, even the staff who’s never heard of “homosexuality.” After dinner, Alfred follows the new kitchen maid, Ivy, around, much to Daisy’s chagrin, and Daisy starts pulling rank, since that’s the best way to get a boy.

Upstairs, all this baby talk is making Matthew rethink his guilt about all this money that he’s gotten and how poorly he thinks the estate is being run.

Meanwhile, O’Brien and “Rolf” are talking about winding clocks. Apparently, “Rolf” has been drafted by Thomas to wind all the clocks. O’Brien is talking about this like it’s the MOST AMAZING THING EVER, and how this is significant of how Thomas TOTALLY trusts and respects “Rolf.” I’ve never heard clocks being talked about like that.

Mary and Sybil are talking about pregnancy and we have the usual litany. Swollen ankles, moody moods, pickles and ice cream.

We switch to Thomas standing behind “Rolf” doing the “No really, let me show you how to do it by standing behind you and brush against you” trick. “Rolf” doesn’t fall for it, but at the same time, doesn’t seem to recognize the oldest trick besides the yawn and drop.

Mrs. Bates is at the prison for visiting hours (NO TOUCHING!). She and Bates start talking about a pastry or a pie or something. I feel like I missed something but they’re both very happy and see this as proof that Bates’ ex-wife killed herself. Bates’ cellmate and some ugly prison guard with jug ears conspire against Bates because they hate happiness.

Harriet Jones convinces Ethel, the whore maid, to come work for her. Everyone but Harriet is apprehensive about this.

It’s dinnertime and some old gentleman is with us, and it turns out that he’s a fancy doctor. Oh well. After dinner, Matthew accosts Phillip and brings up the spinal injury from last season that I thought that we had all forgotten and/or ignored. Matthew is concerned that his boys might not be working at full capacity, since Mary hasn’t been knocked up in the past few months. Slow down, kid. You have time.

Mrs. Bates talks to Lord Robert about her sleuthing and he congratulates her on her Nancy Drew-ing before heading into the breakfast room to eat. Lady Edith and Matthew are there and a letter comes for Edith. She’s received an offer to write a weekly column about the plight of the modern woman! Oh, if only getting a column was that easy! Lord Robert nixes the idea and Edith middle childs her way of the room.

Harriet Jones is talking to her Plain Old Cook, who’s quitting because she refuses to work with a former whore. They banter for a while, and Harriet Jones gets in a few good shots that just go over the cook’s head. Plain Old Cook leaves anyway.

In the kitchen, the footmen, sans Thomas, are flirting with Ivy, who’s not that pretty. They’re interrupted by Daisy who is currently drunk with power and kicks them all out in a jealous fit. This continues on to the cooking where she orders Ivy around. The hollandaise sauce curdles and Ivy doesn’t know what to do. “Rolf” magically fixes the sauce, earning the respect of Mrs. Bridges and Ivy and the ire of Daisy.

Upstairs, the daughters are consoling Tom before dinner. Maggie Smith finds out about Edith’s blog and is not amused. Everything gets stopped because it looks like something’s wrong with Sybil, and the doctors are fighting over who’s right. It’s like an episode of House. We know it’s not lupus, but we’re not sure if it’s not sarcoidosis.

While that’s going on, Ethel and Harriet Jones are off to a bad start, as Ethel attempts a kidney soufflé, which sounds awful, and is beyond her cooking skills.

Downstairs, Plain Old Cook wrote the staff at Downton a letter informing them about the scarlet woman who’s now working for the family. The staff accuses each other of being hypocrites and leaves it at that.

Upstairs, Sybil is slowly going crazy. The doctors argue over if this is pre-eclampsia or not. She may or may not need to go to the hospital RIGHT NOW and may nor may not need a caesarian. All this arguing is interrupted by Sybil screaming.

Meanwhile, Ethel screws up Harriet Jones’ tea and Daisy interrupts another group flirtation session. Mrs. Bridges sits Daisy down and gives her a Come to Jesus talk about how Ivy doesn’t care about Alfred and all this nastiness is going to do the complete opposite of what Daisy really wants.

Upstairs, everyone’s waiting in the parlor until Mary pops in, looking calm and informs them that Sybil and the new baby are fine. Apparently, they didn’t take her to the hospital. Everyone’s fine and happy and Sybil talks to Cora about her plans for Tom and the baby. Why does this feel like something’s about to happen?

Everyone in the house rejoices and Thomas gives “Rolf” a look that says “we should TOTALLY have sex.” “Rolf” freaks out and talks to O’Brien about this. O’Brien basically tells him he should go sleep with Thomas if he wants to be anything other than a scullery maid, but without actually saying that.

The next morning, my suspicions are confirmed, since there’s something wrong with Sybil. There’s lots of screaming and Dr. Clarkson does his best to say I Told You So, instead of doing anything. Not that there’s anything either one of the doctors can do, but they do just stand there while Sybil has a seizure and everyone else breaks down.

And crap. Lady Sybil’s dead. That sound you heard is thousands of fans turning off their TVs in rage.

Cora promises to take care of Tom and the baby. Edith and Mary use this as a weird bonding moment, since they seem to have the foresight to know that they won’t become best friends and will probably still loathe each other, but still take a moment to reaffirm their familial bond.

Mrs. Bates talks to a solicitor about her husband’s wrongful improvement and the difficulty of getting the woman who hates them all to stick to her story, once she finds out that her story might free Mr. Bates. Afterwards, the same solicitor talks to Matthew about the running of the estate, which Mary walks in on. Mary’s pissed, since her father isn’t involved, but that’s where we run into a problem since Robert is Earl, but Matthew is the heir AND the money is his. The solicitor travels to the prison to talk to Mr. Bates. Jug Ears and Cell Mate conspire in the shadows.

The family gathers in the parlor, and Cora has a “screw all of you” moment and it looks like Robert’s still sleeping on the couch for a while. We end with Tom holding his newborn, staring out the window.

Wow, that was a tough one!! Next time! Mr. Bates gets into a prison fight and everyone talks about religion! I know I’m excited.