Rupauls Drag Race Season 5
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It’s RuPaul’s Drag Race time! Are you ready? Beat your mug and your loins girded for some drama!

The dolls open up with talking about last week’s lip synch which I tried my hardest to forget. Everyone’s upset that Serena is still here and no one can say anything nice.

The ladies come into the workroom and we meet RoLaskaToxx. Oh great, are we doing a rehash of the Heathers and Boogers again? Already? Time for Shemail! It’s talking about Herstory while Jinkx is feeling . . . someone up. I don’t know who, but I really am sick of that damn porkpie hat. The pit crew brings out large models of RuPaul with her RuHoles cut out. The challenge is to lip synch to one of Ru’s lesser songs, but are only allowed to use their mouths, hence the cutouts. Everyone immediately slathers their lips in glitter. We get a split screen image of the mouths and most of them look the same, though I can see that Jinkx has shit on her teef. Somehow, Serena wins, but I wasn’t paying attention to her performance. I see a lot of plastic surgery going on. Jade is wearing a thong. Of course she is. Detoxx has wiped her lipstick all over her mouth and wins her round. The last winner is Ivy Winters.

The main challenge is that the queens are going to be lip synching and reenacting famous scenes from past seasons, and the winners of the challenge are the team captains. Jade is picked last and she’s not happy.

Serena’s group is doing seasons three when Shangela threw her drink at Mimi Imfurst. Alaska gets season four and Alaska immediately wants to be Phi Phi. Ivy gets season two, and that sound you hear is of no1curring.

Somehow, Serena stole Raja’s wig and has decided to be the STAR. Jade is actually pulling it off. I’m rather impressed. Unfortunately, Serena only cares about the wig and RuPaul calls her out for it.

Detoxx’s team is completely hating on Phi Phi and it’s. .. Ok, it’s funny. I didn’t like Phi Phi.

Ivy’s group is doing a bunch of queens we all forgot about. Mystique who? Anyway, they don’t have things memorized and Ru isn’t impressed. He walks out of the room with this smile on her face that just says “HAHAHAHAHA, these bitches is going to FAIL, fo’ so!!”

Serena’s group is up and it quickly becomes overdone and fighting, while Jinkx’s lampshade hat keeps falling off. There’s even more complaining and arguing, but I have no idea what about. Serena mentions her art school again and immediately is shown to be a complete failure.

Ivy’s group starts and does anyone remember this episode? I sure don’t. Lineysha keeps interrupting to bob around like a freak, stopping everything and pissing everyone off, but she’s supposed to be Tyra, so I guess she’s just getting into character, or this is type casting. She does do a good stank bitch face, though.

Detoxx and Alaska are cracking each other up. Their make-up is all over the place and they’re WAY over the top, but it’s still fun. Coco does an AMAZING job, even down to the unblended yellow base for LaShawn. The weakest link is Monica, though. Afterwards, Monica has a few excuses and I wonder if she’s going.

The next day, Monica doesn’t look any better, and Coco asks her how she’s feeling and she starts to break down. The second episode and we’re about to have a “Respectfully decline?” Interesting.

The guest judges are Kristen Johnsten (who’s REALLY tall. Did you know this?) and Juliette Lewis. This is the dress to impress night, which means there was no real prep, and everyone will be wearing gold.

Lineysha has legs for days.

Honey is more or less wearing the same thing, only her boobs aren’t attached.

Ivy’s on stilts and is doing some sort of butterfly goddess think.

Vivienne’s doing her best Jujubee impression.

Alyssa looks kind of like Shannel, and I swear someone else has done the dog trick before.

Serena dresses up like a low-budget Miss Panama but, unfortunately wore her granny panties.

Jade Jolie is channeling Circus-era Britney Spears but not in the best way.

Jinkx has some all-white bridal looking futuristic thing. I kind of like it.

Monica looks like a knock off Alyssa.

Alaska is giving us Amy Winehouse.

Coco’s giving us some Lady Gaga and flirts with Santino for some reason.

Detoxx is giving us Morticia Adams, but pulls it off.

Video performances. Serena’s group. Alyssa is rather on point. It’s not too bad. Jinkx as Mimi is ok, but I’m not sold. Serena is just awful, but Jade totally makes up for it.

Ivy’s group. Vivienne’s really good and I keep forgetting that this wasn’t Jujubee. Lineysha’s full on channeling Tyra, too, knocking it out of the park. Later, Ivy and Honey show that this was a well put together team.

Detoxx’s group. Coco’s super campy but amazing. Detoxx and Alaska are rather funny, but in that “I’m drunk and really want to watch a Chris Farley movie” sort of way.

Ivy’s group wins and Lineysha is the ultimate winner. There’s going to be no living with this bitch now.  Kristen calls out Serena’s tiny flag and Michelle calls out her granny panties. Everyone likes Roxxxy’s breasticles and Jinkx says the line “I tried to tease it but I ended up just pissing it off” in reference to her hair. I’m starting to like Jade, oddly enough. Monica starts to come apart during the critique and finally breaks down before coming out as a transgendered woman. Go her. RuPaul tells her to stay and be fabulous.

Kristen disagrees with the rest of the judges about Detoxx and Alaska. While I love all of them, I agree with Kristen, especially when she tells Detoxx to relax. Gworl, listen to Kristen.

Kristen continues to go down the line and read Serena. Juliette jumps in to announce she doesn’t want to see boobs, which is an odd choice for this show. It’s agreed upon that Jinkx and Jade were the best actresses and that no one saw Jiggly in Monica’s performance. Coco is on top. Kristen is very very vocal about all of her opinions and I think she should come back more often.

Monica and Serena are called up for elimination. That was fast. Serena’s not happy about this. Monica looks quiet and resigned to bring it. The moment the song starts playing (Rihanna’s “Only Girl in the World”), we know that it’s Monica staying. There’s no way around this, and Serena’s all over the place. Everyone knows she’s gone and everyone’s happy about this. Serena parts with some shots about reading and Monica stays.

Stick around for Untucked, because in addition to fighting, there’s this AMAZING lip synching remix thing. I’m still not sure what’s going on next week, I will be here, with my false eyelashes.