Rupauls Drag Race Season 5
Credit to-

Last time on RuPaul’s Drag Race, Lineysha channeled her inner Tyra and Serena went home, to everyone’s relief. Join us after the jump.

There’s bitching about Serena, Coco and Alyssa eye each other from across the room. Coco mentions how Alyssa didn’t fulfill her queenly duties, and that’s why Coco was given the crown. Is Coco wearing blue contacts? Really?

She-Mail! RuPaul talks about inner children and something. Real Ru comes in and asks everyone “What time is it?!!!” Since all these gworls are too young for Howdy Doody, no one gets the joke and they all answer “… no….” It’s time for a Junior Drag Superstar Pageant. Alyssa just about creams herself right there, until it turns out that they are making up child mannequins and THOSE are the Junior Drag Queens. We get a lot of Toddlers and Tiaras references and the queens immediately get into the act. The names of the daughters are all crazy shit like Vaxaline Androxx Zoe and Watermelon Something and Lil’ Pound Cake. Detox does Rachael Zoe. Is she still a thing? I hate that show. Coco throws some shade about Alyssa not completing her reign and everyone gasps. Lil’ Pound Cake is the winner, and Alaska and Lineysha are the team captains. Oh, it’s another team challenge.

The main challenge is that the gworls have to write and act in children’s shows with lots and lots of double entendres. Ru says it needs to be entertaining and edumactional. Lineysha and Alaska pick the exact people you’d expect. Alyssa is last but ok with that.

We see the girls arguing over what they’re doing, and I’m surprised that Lineysha hasn’t been subtitled. Coco is all pissed because she’s not being given the spotlight and she talks about her Vegas show like she’s Celine Dion or something. Coco and Honey are wearing ugly dashikis and Technicolor wigs.

Alaska is in heaven directing this show. Everyone gets characters and Detox isn’t happy about not being allowed to be the pretty girl. Ru comes in and listens to the pitch and banters back and forth with the queens. She asks the team what the message of the show is and Alaska immediately responds “Down with Communism.” HA!

The other team is all about banana splits and has no other ideas. There’s some social lesson about Always Bringing the T but without bringing the funny. Coco tells Ru that “we’ll focus on quality” which is the biggest non-answer out there.

Filming and Alaska is “out of drag” as in she’s in full make up but dressed like Lil’ Abner and Alfalfa had a super gay love child. RuPaul and Michelle argue with Alaska about the non-drag, but I disagree. We have Cluckie the Cock delivering the word of the day, “box.” Roxxxy and Vivienne are tossing salads. Monica fucks up all the words, despite the fact that they are right there in front of her.

The other team doesn’t remember any of the words and keeps dropping the ball. There’s some dumb shit while Jade plays with a tube of bubbles and we move to a banana split sketch which is really boring. Michelle looks bored to tears. Coco flubs the lines again and is told to think more of Pinocchio and less of the puppet from Saw. Michelle is speechless.

Elimination day and the theme is Think Pink. Jinkx’s grandmother was buying her wigs at 17. Go granny. Coco is drained and is probably lip synching. Alyssa and Coco end up stepping outside to hash things out while Detox gets popcorn. There’s something about Alyssa heckling Coco on stage, but it’s still not clear because they just yell at each other. Of course, no one’s listening to each other and Coco tries to play the victim. The joke is on her because it’s all of us viewers who are the victims. This is looking to be this season’s Phi Phi and Sharon, but with none of the interesting bits.

RuPaul comes out looking like a giant Peep. Our guest judges are Coco (not that one) and Paulina Porizkova and I’m all “who?” Alaska is decked in crushed velvet and a huge wig with a pink gun. Monica has lots of flowers and looks like a Singapore airlines stewardess. Alyssa is Little Miss Perfect with tons of pink ruffles. Vivienne is looking a lot like Manilla in a white corset thing, with a flash of pink. Detox is giving breastplate realness with tons of mesh. Roxxxy is wearing a mullet dress and I don’t care about anything else because I hate mullet dresses. Lineysha looks way too much like the Other Tyra. Jinkx is doing Raja with the Marie Antoinette/Dangerous Liaisons look. Coco is doing a Lily Tomlin as a Baby Doll drag. Ivy comes out in a huge pink headdress like a Vegas showgirl. Honey is wrapped up in a giant pink sheet and floating down the aisle.

We get to see the shows. Alaska looks like a lesbian, so I don’t get the whole “she’s not in drag because she’s wearing pants.” There are a lot of “box” jokes. Vivenne and Roxxxy are still tossing everyone’s salad. Monica is the weakest link.

The other team is the Magic Bush and Jinkx is fun but upstages Jade, who can’t get back on track. The banana split gig is really boring but the ventriloquist act is even worse. They get no applause.

Lineysha would be in the bottom, but thanks to her immunity, she’s safe. The safe girls go backstage. Paulina loves Alaska’s look and Visage bitches more about the whole “boy” thing. Santino tells Monica to bring it, which apparently she was told last week. Vivenne looks cute but is boring. Detox was amazing and her boobies bounce. Roxxxy floats. Jinkx lead her group from completely failing. Coco dropped the ball, but apparently, this was because she wasn’t allowed to be in front. She knew it when she was in front. Coco is still worked up about that damn pageant and makes a lot of excuses. Ru tells her politely to shut up and get over it.

Ru is still bitching about the stupid boy drag, and Coco thinks that Alaska doesn’t stick out. Um, ok. The best line of the show was Paulina’s description of Jinkx. “It’s like Faye Dunaway had a child with Angelica Houston and it lost its fashion sense.”

Monica is up for elimination, again. Detox is the winner and Alaska is safe, with yet ANOTHER comment about the boy thing. Coco is up for elimination but can’t believe it. You better believe it. The lip synch is “When I Grow Up” by the Pussycat dolls. Monica is more subtle, which quickly turns boring. Coco is all over the stage, but it shows off better. Shantay Coco Stays. Monica sashays away, but not before making a big deal about being loved. Ru loves her to, but wants her off the damn stage.

Next time! There’s something about ballet and Chaz Bono is the guest judge!