Rupauls Drag Race Season 5
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Last time, the queens created cheesy children’s television programs. Coco and Alyssa fought. Detox won and Monica left. More in the jump.

The queens are actually sad about Monica and this is the first time this season. Coco gives a speech about focusing. Vivienne is pissed about everything and blames Roxxxy. Puh-lease. How much do you bet she’s going home?

She-mail! There are a lot of dance references and Ru shows up in a big afro. The mini challenge is to see who the best dancer is, and we’re doing a Soul Train with afro wigs. Lots of groovin’. Jade sucks. Alaska looks like Gilly and I can’t tell how intentional that was. Alyssa says Honey dances like a white girl and she has a point. Jinkx does a split. The pit crew joins us and I make plans for Sean Morales to boogie to my Soul Train . . . The winners are Jinkx and Coco.

The main challenge is going to be doing a drag ballet call No RuPaulogizees based on the life and times of RuPaul. Or, “the Black Swan Lake . . . why it gotta be black?” Alyssa is just about ready to plotz. It’s time to pick the team challenges. Coco picks Alyssa right off the bat. Everyone is confused and Detox gives us the best “WTF” face ever. Coco says she’s not a dummy. Vivienne gets picked last and isn’t happy about that.

Team Jinkx. They have a script and go over it before handing out parts. We have Young Ru, Diana Ross, Lady Bunny and Gender Fuck Ru. Alaska, right off, gets cast as Ru’s mom, but doesn’t know how to dance.

Team Coco. We have good Ru and bad Ru. Vivienne isn’t happy to be paired with Roxxxy and no one really cares.

Ru comes to talk to the teams and we start out with Team Jinkx. Our first problem is that Lineysha doesn’t know who Diana Ross is. That’s going to be interesting. There are a few Lady Bunny fat jokes. Ru mentions her mother, Lady Earnestine and her favorite expression. “You pussy mouthed motha-fucka,” before moving to team Coco. Coco is good Ru and Alyssa is bad Ru and Alyssa is giving us a lot of face over all this. Honey actually knows who Diana Ross is, which is good, and we hope she does a better job than Milan. Roxxxy makes more jokes about Vivienne and Vivi says she’s going to totally bring it. This is usually when the person gets eliminated because they didn’t.

All the queens are excited for Chaz, but have never heard of the choreographers. To tell the truth, most of America hasn’t either, because they were contestants on So You Think You Can Dance and then tried to do that reality show about four queens trying to dance. Team Jinkx walks in to find the two dancers showing off. Alaska isn’t sure of which leg is her right and her left. Lineysha still doesn’t know who Diana Ross is. Of course, the two choreographers can’t choreograph down to the level of the dancers and instead have a bunch of dance moves that are pretty difficult.

Alyssa warms her group up and we are informed, again, that she owns a dance studio. When the other team gets back, they start doing a dance warm up to psych the other team out. Rather smart. Alyssa and Coco are doing a lift and Coco is in heaven with all the dance fighting. Of course, the choreographers put in a piece that uses the Little Swan dance from Swan Lake. *yawn* Roxxxy comes out showing off her twerk and Vivienne is boring, still. The choreographers keep saying that each person they’re talking about is the weakest and I agree with them, which says something.

Back in the workroom, we learn that Honey’s parents found a pic of her in drag and sent her to Africa to try and beat the gay out of her. Alyssa’s dad wasn’t supportive of her dancing, which was difficult, or something. Coco feels bad about not picking Jade right away, and Jade says she’s ok, but in that way that says “I’m really not.” Coco storms off being over this crap. Alyssa sits there and makes faces in the mirror.

Mainstage. Travis Wall of the choreographers is one of the judges. Chaz Bono is the other one, and he looks more personable.

Team Jinkx. Alaska hams things up and it’s funny and we don’t notice that she can’t dance. Lineysha, once again, pulls an amazing Diana Ross look out of her ass, despite having no idea who this person was. Everyone is wearing pink canvas ballet slippers and it’s distracting me.

Team Coco. We have good Ru and Bad Ru. Alyssa is doing the whole Black Swan thing that’s been overdone, but dances well. In general, the dancing is boring and I blame the choreographer. The ending is rather something and Vivienne is boring as hell. Travis is getting into all the dancing with some stupid head nods. The queens come out and Alaska, once again, cracks me up.

We get the fastest runway, and the queens just walk out and line up very quickly. We get a mix of top and bottom. Jinkx is looking like Lady Gaga and Michelle wants more glamour. Travis is boring. Ivy’s got this really awesome beaded thing going. Santino says that her Lady Bunny was too skinny and pretty and everyone laughs. Roxxxy’s outfit isn’t flattering and she needs more personality. Vivienne faded into the woodwork again. Honey is covered up too much and is wearing another caftan and can’t do a decent Diana Ross. Everyone loves Alyssa. Travis is boring again. RuPaul asks who should go home and everyone says either Honey or Vivienne except Alyssa who says Jade. Shocker.

While the queens drink up, the judges talk. Jinkx needs more sides to her. Ivy did a spot on Lady Bunny. Roxxxy came out in a leotard and RuPaul never does that. Honey was boring. We like Alyssa. Travis is boring and so is Vivienne.

Alyssa wins! Honey and Vivienne have to lip-synch for their lives to Britney Spears “Opps! … I did it again” and it looks like Vivienne might be staying, at first. Both of them are boring as fuck and Honey doesn’t even know the words. Really? The caftan doesn’t help. There’s lackluster clapping at the end and RuPaul makes her announcement. They’re both going home. SNAP! DRAMA! DOUBLE ELIMINATION! Neither one of them had the fire to stay and Ru is letting everyone know.

Honey’s regretting the caftan and Vivienne is thinking that even if she didn’t win, she’s still the prettiest. That’s why you lost, sweetie.

Next week, Snatch Game!!!