abbyleemillerdance80371It’s Dance Moms time, and this week is going to be a doozy! Grab your bunheads and join me after the jump.

We dive right into things in the studio and Abby’s not here. Christi is over the moon about this and hopes we have a day off. It turns out that Abby’s dog has died and thus Abby’s been in mourning. While the show must go on and we have Dance Expression in St. Louis, Abby’s sick of looking at everyone’s stupid faces. This gives us the opportune moment to head into the POS. On the bottom is Paige, because the duet sucked, or something. Brooke’s there since she didn’t win first. McKenzie is there for shits and giggles. Kendall’s on the second tier and so is Nia. Both were good but not good enough. Maddie’s on top and Chloe’s still “suspended.” Abby, I don’t think that means what you think it means.

On to the numbers. The group number will be called “My Dream Will Be Your Dream” and I’m already lost. It’s ballet heavy which means real ballet dancers won’t recognize this nonsense.  It’s going to be an epic love story using nine year olds, and a fitting tribute to Broadway Baby. Nia’s doing a solo called “Breakin’ My Heart” and Maddie will be “Showing You My Heart.” We find out, for those of us who haven’t seen season three, that St. Louis is the home to “Black Patsy” which isn’t racist at all…

Abby yammers on some more about the group number and its epic epicness. The dance is totally not a rip off of Giselle, or every other love story out there. Abby is ready to go home though, and walks out, crying. Kelly’s all “Um, I know it’s upsetting, but it’s a dog.” Melissa and Jill think the girls should make a big ass card and dedicate the dance. Jill even thinks they should change the choreography and has some music on her phone. Christi thinks that changing the choreography is a bad idea, but the other moms steamroll over her.

Nia’s working with Teenographer #2, and it’s a “jazzy, bluesy” number and I roll my eyes. Holly and Kelly talk about the fight from last week.

Abby’s at home, crying and going over old photos of her dog, talking to her mother, and second guessing everything else she’s done. Broadway Baby apparently kept her sane, and I guess that’s really bad news for the dance community. Her face is splotchy, and she’s worried about her mom and annoyed with all the kids. Her mother reads platitudes off a cue card.

Melissa shows up the next day and Abby isn’t at the studio. Isn’t Abby the one who’s always talking about professionalism? This shit will get you blacklisted in an incredibly fast way. There’s more talk about Black Patsy and I just can’t deal with that. Paige asks if dogs go to heaven and I realize that that movie is older than she is. The girls get together to write a big sparkly card for Abby. We see clips of dance classes, and holy crap? THIS is an acclaimed dance studio? I’d expect better lines. Teenographer 2 knows nothing about Abby.

In St Louis, “Black Patsy” whose name is Kaya is with her daughter Nicaya and they’re doing some dance about poverty and struggling, and it’s being taught by a preppy white woman. Kaya talks a lot of shit about Abby.

Nia’s dancing to a song sung by someone trying hard to be Adele, and will be dancing with a hat, which disturbs Holly. Kelly says she doesn’t want to lose another friendship over a hat and Christi pipes in. Later, Kelly wants a donut and Abby walks back in talking about how her dog loved the place and so she’s back to make the kids dance. We’ll start with Maddie. Kelly and Christi remain in the DMPAL to duke it out.

Abby starts the group number, only to find the music’s been changed. Teenographer is all “Surprise!” but Abby’s not impressed and blames everyone. There’s some speech about honoring her wishes and she ignores the fact that she just walked out of the studio. Kelly points out that Abby was absent, but Abby doesn’t want any more ideas, and no Bahamas music. We’re going to use the same music, and the kids are going to improv. Professionalism!! Abby refers to the dance as a hot mess.

Dance Expressions! We’re at the masonic lodge, and the girls will be improvising. Kaya greets the moms and words are exchanged. Holly says that sometimes being a dance mom is a lot of fun, and sometimes, it’s like today. Nia gets ready and shows up in a costume that Abby immediately nixes and proceeds to verbally bitch slap Holly.

Nia’s end costume is very Liza with a Z and is fine. The dance is ok, even if it is Abby’s traditional flailing nonsense. Nicaya on, and Kaya’s got a Black Patsy shirt on. Nicaya’s all over the place and has no musicality but a decent bag of tricks. Abby has an opinion on that. Maddie’s in an outfit with a giant heart on it, and does her usual thing. As she’s going off-stage, the announcer says that she’s dedicating this dance to Broadway Baby. The other moms are immediately up in arms.

Backstage, Melissa has some video of the dog dancing, and has a pow-wow with Abby, who states that when Maddie dances, everyone smiles. The moms look pissed that Melissa skipped the group thing and go back to not liking her. The girls interrupt and the moms turn on the charm. Abby shows up and is nice to everyone and thanks Maddie. Jill wonders if the group number is still a tribute, and Abby can’t believe her nerve and Melissa talks about feeling piled up on. Abby leaves the girls with some dumb advice and basically tells them all they suck and blames them if they fail.

The group number is fun-ish. Very “jallet” courtesy of my friend Mary, the Pointe Shoe Fairy (patent pending). I didn’t see any improv. Kaya jumps in and starts ragging on the school and dishes out enough rudeness for everyone. She says Kendall can’t dance, which immediately gets Jill upset. They all take it into the hall and there’s more yelling and eventually cussing. Good job. Jill wags her finger and Kaya gets ‘hood (her words, not mine). Some random guy tries to step in but fails. Afterwards, Jill berates everyone for not backing her up, and Kelly and Christi realize they are at a loss without each other. There’s crying and making up. The announcer comes on to announce that some shit went down in the hall, which means everyone will talk about it some more, instead of less.

Nia gets third place and fiercest costume award. Holly’s pleased. Maddie gets first. Baby is smiling down upon us. Christi doesn’t’ have high hopes for the group number, but God, Baby and the producers all look down and the girls get first. Abby is happy as if she’s never been bitching. Everyone cries.

Next time! Abby speed dates! There’s some boy on the team now!