Rupauls Drag Race Season 5
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Did you all been having the incredibly bad Monday that everyone else I know have been having? Well, let’s end it with RuPaul’s Drag Race! Last time, it was the Snatch Game and everyone sucked, except for Jinkx. LIneysha ended up sashaying away. Afterwards, everyone has good things to say about Lineysha which is weird. Jinkx feels let out. Coco’s not into the RoLaskaToxx thing and I almost agree with her. Jinkx knocks out.

Alyssa walks in wearing a Zelda shirt and my roommate freaks out. You’ve Got Shemail! We’re gonna give till it hurts, and everyone looks confused for a moment. Ru comes in and talks about putting on her make up in adverse situations, and then turns off the lights. The queens have to put on their make up in the dark. Shade is thrown in the dark, and we see that Alyssa’s doing her face and Coco’s probably not blending. The dolls come out in beekeeper hats, hiding their faces. Alyssa’s all over herself and Coco didn’t bother to blend. Alaska put it all over her face. Detoxx wins and gets to choose the groups for the main challenge.

The main challenge is going to be writing and recording a song. RoLaskaToxx is together, and Alyssa and Coco are put together. This leaves Jinkx, Jade and Ivy. It’s going to be an 80’s flashback wear, like some sort of drag Band Aid. There’s more shade throwing and the verses get doled out in traditional bitchy manner.

Alyssa starts up by wanting to change the lyrics, which Coco’s not really down for. Alyssa spins around in jorts and does a bad Glee impression. Ivy, Jade and Jinkx have some good harmonies going. Over with RoLaskaToxx, Alaska is annoyed that the other dolls aren’t doing anything but goof off. Ru comes in.

Alyssa and Coco are first. Who’s a good singer? Coco’s gonna try to take it to church and Alyssa’s gonna try to take to Jack in the Box. Ru tells them to make it fun and walks away. Ivy, Jade and Jinkx are next. Who sings? Well, they all do, to some extent. Jade’s the most boring of the three and gets warned that she needs to steal the spotlight. Last, we have RoLaskaToxx. The rest of the teams don’t understand what message is in the song.

The judges for tonight will be the Pointer Sisters and Latoya Jackson, who will be on the show for the third time. Before that, the dolls have to record. Let’s save the world with drag. Coco comes in and is immediately bitchy, talking about Detoxx. This leads to her messing up, which, in turn, makes Alyssa screw up. Everything is off about these two. Jade joins them in being off key, and spends her entire time looking down. Ivy’s pretty good, and Jinkx has some good notes and some good pipes. Roxxxy’s over it, though, and thinks it’s all a gimmick. That is, right before showing that HE can’t sing and doesn’t know how to say “sequined dress.” Detoxx keeps messing up, but rolls with it, and RoLaskaToxx ends up going off and modulating in their own little worlds. The song ends on some freestyle notes where everyone is pretty much the same as they were before.

Backstage, Detoxx inserts herself into the conversation and there’s more arguing. The queens talk about what parts they’re showing off and Detoxx is showing off his whole body, which, as we find out, is made entirely of silicon, putting him in the same rank as Cher and Joan Rivers. Out of nowhere, Jade gets some sob story about coming out and I’m pretty sure I know who’s going home.

Ru has a nice look on for the main stage. I’m not saying she normally looks like garbage, but sometimes she looks classier than others. Today is somewhat understated, and I like it. There’s lots of “sequences” Coco comes out wearing a leotard that looks like it opens up to show her heart. Seems weird. Alyssa is showing legs and wearing a caftan. Jinkx, pay attention, because this is how you do Boho chic glamour. Jade’s wearing something that looks like a tie dyed version of Janice from the Muppets. Either that or Cher mated with a rainbow. Ivy wears a dress made of her headshots. Jinkx *almost* gives us glamour. Honey, you know I love you, but you really need to step up the pretty for this. It’s what got Pandora knocked off and I don’t want to see you go. Roxxxy’s all about the big tits and hair. Alaska wanted assless chaps but had to settle for a clavicle showing mermaid dress. Detoxx is wearing a super simple dress until she turns around and you can see her crack through the ribboning. HA!

Now, we get to see the video for Can I Get an Amen. Ru is not in drag and it looks weird. Coco’s off key. Alyssa is singing her little heart off and it’s horrible, but she’s diving right into it. Jade is boring. Ivy’s got some good notes and is mugging for the camera. Jinkx does a great job, but ivy’s look outshines her. Roxxxy is terribly off key and doesn’t care. Detoxx is wearing Jem’s wig. Alaska is better than she lets on.

Judges Critique!

Coco didn’t get what was going on and got lost in being bitchy. She’s also wearing too much highlighter.

Alyssa’s very pretty but her singing was awful. However, she knows that and plays it up. She also points where she’s walking to.

Jade was a big letdown and Michelle doesn’t get the look. She missed on so many levels and is totally forgettable.

The judges love Ivy’s dress and she made a good impression on everyone. She was creative and added some nice harmonies.

The judges loved Jinkx’ long note, but think she was a mess on the runway. Michelle tells her not to contour so hard.

Roxxxy was peanut butter and the outfit was super-hot. Michelle warns the group that cliques can be dangerous.

Detoxx phoned the song in but got by on her dress. She’s warned not to rely on crutches like that.

Alaska is starting to bore the judges and needs to not hold back or hide behind characters. Alaska gives us a “show you the real me” speech and cries. She’s safe.

The winner is Ivy and Coco and Jade have to lip synch. Called it. It’s to the Pointer Sisters’ “I’m So Excited.” Jade’s not bad, but Coco really pulls it out. Shantay Coco stay. Jade calls Coco her close friend and I go “what?” and the show’s over.  Join us next week!