Game_of_Thrones_title_cardLast time on Game of Thrones we saw Dany promise to give up one of her dragons, Jamie get wounded, some baby penis and a whole lot of boobs. Let’s see what awkward things HBO has in store for us today!

We open on a close up of Jamie’s hand dangling limply from his neck. It’s gruesome and gross and Brienne looks like she’s in shock. We get a lot of sexual jokes while Brienne tries to plead for Jamie. Jamie falls off his horse, face down, into the mud where he’s taunted with water, which turns out to be horse piss. You know, that seems like a really stupid prank, unless the bottle is clearly labeled, which ruins the joke, and these gentlemen don’t seem like they spend much time hanging out in the Westeros Container Store. I wonder how many people accidently drank from the horse piss jug before they actually got the chance to give it to Jamie, because there’s no way this was a spur of the moment thing.

Anyway, Jamie uses this moment to grab a sword with his left hand and starts fighting. Brienne runs up to try and stop all this, but is blocked. The group gangs up on him, then knocks him down and kicks him around and acts like they took someone important down, as opposed to a guy, in shock, who’s just lost a hand and is probably dehydrated.

Tyrion enters a chamber where Varys is opening a large wooden box. Varys, for some reason, decides that this is a great time to talk about “secrets” and to discuss how he came to be a eunuch. Apparently, he was a young strapping boy and was taken by some random sorcerer who chopped his little Varys off and fed it to a fire, so that the fire could talk to him. This, apparently, is why he hates all form of magic, and why he aided Tyrion against Melisandre and Stannis. His speech turns into the Marquise de Mertuil’s monologue about stabbing forks in the back of her hands, and now I’m getting the image of Varys dressed in Louis XIV drag. And now you have that image. It turns out there is a sorcerer in the box, looking puny, old and scared and we fade to black.

Up in Craster’s keep, the boys are shoveling pig shit in the snow. Fuggo’s upset because he’s an angry person and Westeros doesn’t have decent mental health care. Gilly’s crying with her newborn and Sam walks in. She launches into how she wants out and how she’s scared and doesn’t have the time to even say hi or exchange pleasantries with Sam. But she has time to berate him, apparently.

Bran’s up and running, so we automatically know this is a dream. Jojen shows up and tells him to climb the big tree in front of him. When he gets to a branch with the three eyed crow, his mother shows up and they argue and Bran falls off, waking himself up. Jojen gives him his best Freud look.

Varys and Ros sit around talking about Podrick Payne of the Wonder Penis. Apparently, the ladies who were paid thought that he was the most natural talent ever, and they’ve never felt that way before, but in a totally non-descript way and that’s why they didn’t take the money. Varys and Ros both see through the bullshit and change the subject to Baelish and his squicky relationship with Sansa. Ros can read, which surprises Varys, and we get a notice saying that Baelish booked two fancy tickets on a fancy ship that’s not going to Harrenhall. Who’s the second bed for? That’s the ultimate question.

Back in King’s Landing, Joffrey is giving Margaery a tour of all the places where someone died. He’s acting like a 10 year old boy and Margaery is treating him with all the poise and tact of the awesome babysitter who was pretty and had boobs and would let you stay up to watch horror movies. We see the center of the main sept and I generally like the design and layout. Sometimes, fantasy can get weird. Anyway, Cersei and Olenna are chit chatting about various things, saying volumes to each other without saying anything at all. Margaery gives Joffrey a pep talk about how violence is cool and sometimes you have to be severe, and how she’s been talking him up to the people to make them love him. You can just see him prematurely ejaculating during this entire conversation. Margaery takes him to a balcony and the crowd outside is screaming her name, with a few Joffrey’s thrown in. Joffrey doesn’t notice, and enjoys being liked for the first time. Cersei sees all and isn’t pleased with this change of events.

Theon is still trekking through the woods with his new boyfriend. They discuss their history and how the Boyfriend saw Theon get taken off. They end up sneaking into Deepwood Motte, where Asha is supposed to be. The boyfriend tells him to be quiet and keep down. Theon rambles on about being fostered and the choices he made and finally admits that Ned Stark was more of a father to him than anyone else and how since he chose the Greyjoys, he’s been making one mistake after another. This moment is stopped by them entering a dim and dark chamber which is revealed to be the same torture chamber as before and Theon’s tied back up, after not realizing that they were traveling in circles. Boyfriend acts as if Theon ran away.

Jamie and Brienne are eating, or actually not eating. Jamie wants to die, since his hand was cut off. Brienne informs him that that’s the least of his problems and he’s still the son of the richest man in the kingdoms and he needs to put down the Byron and the Cure CD and man up. Jamie eats. They talk about how Tarth isn’t made of sapphires.

Cersei approaches Tywin and they talk about Jamie. There’s nothing to be done. Cersei sits around and finally brings up how she’s the only one of his children doing anything. Tywin takes the bait and says that the Tyrells are a problem and that Cersei isn’t as smart as she thinks. He tells her she can’t control her own son and she tells him to give it a shot.

Outside, Olenna chews out some girl embroidering a golden rose and then launches into a tirade about how the golden rose is the dumbest house symbol ever. The girls are dismissed as Varys shows up. There’s plenty of bantering and the two of them size each other up. They both admit that Sansa’s not that interesting but is in an interesting position, and is becoming noticed by Baelish, which is never good.

Margaery comes upon Sansa praying and tries to get her to engage in Girl Talk. Sansa, having played this game before, is a pretty tough nut to crack until Margaery pulls out the ace and says it’d be super awesome if Sansa marries Loras and they move to Highgarden, giving Sansa everything she dreamed of, and getting her out of the way.

Up in Craster’s keep, Bannon’s died. Who’s Bannon? I’m sure I know, but really. . . they all kind of look the same through the snow filter. Anyway, he’s dead and now his watch is ended. Craster bombards everyone about how they’re all stealing his food. The Watch gets huffy and asks about the wounded. Craster suggests killing them and leaving. The men get restless, goaded by Fuggo. Craster acts like he can take them on, and this looks like a good time to kill Craster. And the older guy. Fighting starts, and there’s more fighting and killing and kicking corpses and stuff. Sam grabs Gilly and the baby and high tails it out of there.

Arya’s wearing a hood and is brought into a huge cave. The Brotherhood of Whatever is there, in their secret cave hideaway. Sandor’s hood is taken off and he immediately taunts all of them. One of them, looking like the Dread Pirate Roberts, introduces himself as Beric Dondarrion. Lots of talk and history. Sandor is tried as a murderer, but he denies it. Arya says he killed Micah and Sandor almost seems proud of that act. No one can know except the Lord of Light, which means trial by combat. Who’s gonna fight Sandor? Beric Dondarrion, that’s who.

Dany and Scary Spice are making the slave/dragon transaction. We get more translation antics while Dany opens up the cage and hands Drogon, on a leash, to Creepy Slaver Guy. He passes over the Whip of Something and Dany asks if the exchange has been made. He waves her off going “yes, yes, we’re good” and tries to deal with the dragon. Dany walks out and immediately starts speaking in Valyrian. The slaver is too engrossed to notice. The slaves are under her command and finally he catches on that she’s fluent in Valyrian. She sets the slave free and asks them to follow her by killing all the masters in Astapor and then informs the slaver that dragons are not slaves. Drogon starts burning things. Army in tow, she sashays away, ready to take on her next challenge.