Previously, on Game of Thrones, a bunch of people were stabbed, but in Beric Dondarrion’s case, it didn’t stick.
Gilly, Sam and the baby are camping in the woods, and Gilly informs Sam that there’s too much wood. For the record, there’s a lot of too much wood and things being stuck in somewhere and pulled out jokes going on, but I’m not going to make any of them. Gilly realizes that Sam was a lord before joining the Night’s Watch. He decides to impress her even more by pulling out his obsidian knife. They talk about the wall and Sam ends up singing some random religious song that makes me glad Catholics aren’t the only one with boring religious songs.
Meera and Osha are skinning a rabbit. Osha shows her a quicker way to do it and there is a pissing contest of who knows the best way to skin a rabbit. Bran tells them to stop and they finally make peace for a bit. Jojen, it turns out, is also having troubled dreams or maybe a seizure. Also, what sort of amazing wildlife hair care products are the Reeds, Bran and Osha using? Jojen wakes up to say he saw Jon in his dreams.
This means we cut to Jon at the wall. Everyone’s getting ready to start climbing the wall and is putting on climbing gear. Ygritte is talking and says something to the effect of “ISN’T IT AMAZING HOW WE HAVE SOME AMAZING SEX?” Jon is mortified. Ygritte stops him and says that she’s fully aware that he hasn’t betrayed his loyalties, but he is hers and she expects him to adhere to that.
Arya is reciting her litany of death while she practices archery. The Brotherhood tells her she’s good, but not as good as she thinks she is. This is interrupted by someone or something in the bushes who ends up being our favorite red head, Tori Amos Melisandre. She speaks and Thoros comes up and they chit chat about how great the Red God is and how much of a drunk failure Thoros is. She’s shocked at Beric, mainly because Thoros is a drunk and shouldn’t be able to be all magicky. Beric tells everyone that there is no afterlife.
Arya doesn’t like
Tori Amos Melisandre. The men all want to be inside her. I don’t get it either, folks. Gendry is jumped and thrown into the back of a cart. Arya gets angry and Melisandre talks about how Gendry will make kings rise and fall. Arya calls her a witch, but she’s been called worse. Ms. Amos gets all Miss Cleo on Arya and mentions thousands of eyes being shut. For those of us who have read the books, this sort of makes sense.
The Wildlings are climbing the wall. Don’t look down!
Theon’s boyfriend wakes him up and teases him with water. According to Mr. Sadist, Theon is a wimp and it’s time to chop off body parts. Theon has to guess who the guy is and where they are. More torture and more questions and then the guy informs him that it’s all been a lie and Theon’s back to square one.
Rob is meeting with the Freys, who are wearing stupid hats. The Freys want stuff, in addition to a public apology. Oh, and Lord Edmure must marry Roslin Frey. Edmure doesn’t want to marry and everyone ends up just being pissy.
Brienne is dining with Jamie and Bolton and is wearing a dress that makes her look a lot like SWINTON. Jamie’s trying to eat while Bolton wonders what to do with both of them. Bolton wants King’s Landing to know that he had nothing to do with Jamie’s maiming. Brienne, though, will not be going.
Olenna and Tywin are discussing Cersei and Loras. Cersei is old and Loras is gay so it seems like a dumb match. Olenna asks if Tywin fooled around with boys and by his angry response, my guess is yes. After he blows hard for a while, Olenna drops the incest bomb. I could watch this all day. Anyway, Tywin says that Loras will marry Cersei or go into the Kingsguard. Olenna breaks Tywin’s quill.
More climbing on the wall. People fall to their deaths. Ygritte falls, but Jon saves her and it’s another Jon Snow scene and I don’t care.
Loras and Sansa are talking about the difference between a broach and a pin and he might as well be telling her how to give a good blow job. Of course, Sansa is oblivious. Cersei and Tyrion are looking on, and they both complain about getting the worst out of the deal.
Shae and Sansa talk about her “wedding.” Shae does her serious deadpan thing. Tyrion comes in, and Shae refuses to leave. Things are awkward.
Baelish and Varys talk in front of the Iron Throne. Who doesn’t like to see friends fail now and then? These two. There are alluded comments to “The Whore” and I suddenly feel impending doom for Ros. Varys does what he does for the good of the realm, and in all of this, we see Joffrey with a crossbow and Ros doing her best impression of a pincushion. Sansa is crying and looking at Baelish’s ship.
Ygritte and Jon get to the top and decide this is the best time to have sex, in a very Logan’s Run sort of way.
We open with more Jon Snow. The wildlings have crossed the wall, and Ygritte’s all “You and your roads and your armies and your regulations” Jon Snow knows nothing. The Warg approaches Jon and is all “blah blah blah, we’re animals” but what he’s really saying is “I saw her first!!”
Talisa and Rob are drying off and no one likes Walder Frey, but he’s our only hope, despite the fact that he’s been edged out of having a king for a son in law. Rob says that Walder Frey is still getting the best match his house ever could. This leads us into Gratuitous Rob and Talisa sex. Finally! Rob has nice nipples and we get a good ass shot. Talisa wants more, but settles for writing a letter, naked. Rob seems to be impressed that his wife can speak and write Valyrian, which . . . you’d think he’d know that. Rob promises to go to Volantis when this is all over, and Talisa drops the baby bomb. Rob is over the moon and the cellos of love kick.
Back to the boring wildlings, Red Beard is talking about sex to Jon, and it’s actually good advice. Warg follows Ygritte and starts edging into Nice Guy territory.
Sansa and Margaery are talking and Sansa’s miserable. Margaery’s in big sister mode and tries to get Sansa to see the best in this situation. Has Tyrion been cruel? No. Sansa pines for Loras and Margaery tries to not inform her that her brother is super gay and that Tyrion is probably fantastic in bed.
Speaking of which, Tyrion is dreading his pending nuptials. Bronn is not helping by pointing out that Tryion is in a position to have his cake and eat it, too.
Joffrey’s on the throne and talks to Tywin. Joffrey wants the minutes of the small council, since it’s being held so far away and he doesn’t want to climb the stairs. Tywin doesn’t back down. Joffrey asks about Dany and the dragons and whines that no one tells him anything. Tywin says he’ll tell him things when it’s appropriate. He sashay’s away.
Yunkai, Dany wants to free the slaves and the soldiers are getting ready. A merchant shows up in a liter and meets Dany. The dragons are bigger and more angry and are eating while the meeting goes on. Yunkai offers gold and ships to get her the hell out of there. Dany says no. The dragons are upset. The merchant storms off. Dany wants to know who Yunkai’s powerful friends are.
Shae is looking at some gold chain and is being annoying. She wants stuff, and for Tyrion to leave with her, and it’s a really stupid scene. Finally she storms out.
A ship is going over ruins and Melisandre and Gendry are on this ship sailing out to Blackwater Bay. Melisandre asks pointed questions about his father and he doesn’t care. She points out that she was a
singer slave before becoming a priestess. She finally drops the ball, and Gendry, finally, figures out why people are chasing after him.
Arya’s not speaking to any traitors. Her snit is interrupted by someone talking about a Lannister raiding party that we can go kill. Arya runs off and is taken by Sandor.
Brienne is in a cell and Jamie’s thrown in. He’s going to the Tully wedding and she’s staying here. They talk of the debts they owe and part ways. Jamie has trouble with his saddle and is helped by Qyburn.
Theon’s taken down by two random girls who proceed to sex torture him before Ramsey comes in to really torture him.
Jon and Ygritte go hunting and Ygritte sees a windmill and thinks it’s a palace. Jon thinks she’ll swoon when she sees Winterfell and she doesn’t know what “swoon” means and there’s this “it was supposed to be funny” moment about girls seeing blood and Jon only knowing delicate ladies and Ygritte being a Strong Female Character. She does get in a good shot about if he rips her pretty silk dress when she’s a lady, she’ll blacken his eye. Jon, it turns out, doesn’t want the wildlings to die, because they’ve invaded before. She kisses him. If we die, we die together.
Hodor is setting up camp and Osha bitches that the cripples aren’t helping and that Jojen is filling Bran up with black magic. We’re going beyond the Wall and Osha finds out about this and freaks and tells her ice zombie story.
Jamie, after having his stump attended to, finally figures out that Brianne’s in trouble, since someone said that all the sapphires in Westerns come from Tart. He finds Brienne in a pit, fighting a bear, and jumps in to save her. Both of them are pulled up, much to the consternation of the assholes who started this. The bear remains angry.