Game_of_Thrones_title_cardPreviously on A Game of Thrones, Dany took over a city. Jamie saved Brienne. Theon was tortured. Sansa and Tyrion got married. Rickon went for the Emmy. Stannis killed everyone by throwing some bugs in a fire, and you ended up in therapy.

Bolton looks over the carnage at the Twins. Everything’s on fire. Sandor and Arya are making their way through the carnage only to come across the pretty horrifying scene of Rob’s body with Grey Wind’s head sewn to it. Yeah, I feel the same way, too. Arya sees this and saves it up for therapy later.

Sansa and Tyrion are taking a stroll through the gardens, trailed by Shae. There’s lots of random chit chat, and it turns out that Sansa knows a lot about pranking, because she learned from Arya. Magic Poderick comes through the garden, amidst a sea of giggling females, to announce that the small council is meeting.

Tyrion heads right over. Joffrey is currently about to plotz. Tyrion reads a cryptic message about wolf pelts. Joffrey is totally about to explode from joy. In fact, he plans on having Rob’s head shipped to the Red Keep and serve it to Sansa at his wedding. A real keeper, that one. No one thinks this is a good idea, and Tyrion suggests that we could find something else to do. Joffrey gets angry and threatens Tyrion, who responds that Tyrion might be a monster, but monsters are dangerous and kings happen to be dying in droves right now. Tywin pipes up with the adage “Anyone who has to say ‘I am the king’ really isn’t.” It’s like being classy. Joffrey rejoins with the idea that Tywin hid in Casterly Rock during Robert’s Rebellion. No one thinks this is a good idea, and Tywin suggests that it’s time for a nappy-poo. Joffrey’s not tired and whines, but is sent to bed without supper. Everyone leaves.

Tyrion and Tywin stay behind. There is some incredible banter about power and who holds it. We turn to the Red Wedding, and Tyrion is rather shocked. Tywin thinks that he was able to save thousands of lives by brutally murdering a few. Tywin defends his actions and tells the Northerners to suck it. Which, by the way, Roose Bolton is now the Warden of the North until Sansa produces an heir. Yeah, everyone’s really happy with that scenario.

Up in the Gift, Hodor is hodoring down a well, and it’s one of the best scenes in the series. Bran is sitting on an execution block and doesn’t really like their lodgings. No one does. He decides that NOW is the best time to tell everyone about the Rat Cook, who committed atrocities in this very castle and is now a giant rat who has a HOOK FOR A. . . wait, no, has to eat his young. Apparently, the Rat Cook gets around.  There are some major parallels to the Freys.

Speaking of which, Walder is eating with all the gusto of Denethor while Pippin is singing. He’s gloating and chewing and it’s really gross. That’s when Bolton informs him that the Blackfish escaped. What can the Blackfish do? Famous last words. Oh well. Walder plans on getting a new wife, and Bolton explains who Theon’s boyfriend has been. His bastard son, Ramsey.

Speaking of Ramsey, we come back to their cozy love nest! Theon’s been totally broken and emasculated, and Ramsey may or may not be eating his penis. No, not in the sexy Sean Cody way, but the really really gross way. More torture porn. Ramsey finally breaks Theon down and Theon becomes Reek. Now, kiss.

Bran is asleep and Summer wakes up to weird noises. You can hear gasping and finally we jump Sam and Gillie. Summer steps out of the shadows and Sam immediately knows who they are. Hodor is just pleased to be recognized. Sam asks what can be done for Jon’s sibs, and they want to go under the Wall. Which is the wrong answer. Bran points out that no one can stop the ice zombies. Except himself. The parapalegic Ur-Professor X.

In Pike, Balon’s got mail! Balon’s got a box! We all know what’s in it, but the letter confirms that Balon is the recipient of his very own dick in a box! Balon has no sympathy. Asha, or whomever, feels differently. Balon doesn’t give a shit. Asha leaves to go kick some as.

Sam passes out obsidian daggers, so that Bran and Co will be safe. Everyone cries and hugs and Sam points out that they’ve been super lucky this whole time. Meera and Jojen say nothing. The team heads through the Wall and into the light like that scene in every big sports/Olympic Games movie where the team goes down the hall in slow-mo to the Big Game/Skating Rink.

Davos meets with Gendry in a cell. Well, that was anticlimactic after the Dramatic Walk Into the Light, wasn’t it? Davos tries to get him to open up about being poor and growing up in a crappy life. Gendry’s been down this road before and last time, he ended up naked and covered in leeches, so this time, he’s not having any of it.

Shae and Varys meet in the Gardens for Talking About Secret Things. Varys commends her for being a good influence on Tyrion and Shae’s still annoyed that she can’t be Tyrion’s wife. Varys explains that she will never be a lady in Westeros and informs her it’s best for her to leave. It’s like Varys has never watched a movie where a rich person and a poor person fall in love. Of course Shae refuses his offer of diamonds and stays.

Tyrion and Magic Pod are drinking. Cersei kicks Pod out and starts blah blah blahing all over the room. Tyrion finally shuts her up. Cersei has made up her mind that she won’t marry Loras and she’s done this before, and I liked this plot so much better when Loras simply joined the Kingsguard. Cersei gets a tender moment where she talks about being Joffrey’s mother and you almost feel sorry for her.

Sandor and Arya are traveling through the woods and stumble across random Freys talking about their participation in the wedding. Arya jumps off of Sandor’s horse and shows that Rickon isn’t the only child actor in the family. After pretending to be hungry, she starts stabbing, and Sandor takes this opportunity to do some stabbing of his own. Afterwards, he tells her to warn him before she goes killing. I think these two should get their own show.

Jon is cleaning up in a river when Ygritte finds him and aims a bow at him. He whines about something and tells her he loves her, and she does what anybody would do and shoots him. He stumbles to his horse and runs off while Ygritte uses him for target practice.

At Castle Black, Sam introduces Gillie to Maester Aemon and has to explain that no, he kept it in his pants. Gillie names the baby Sam. Maester Aemon then tells Sam to start writing letters.

Davos is reading with Shireen, who’s bored by boring letters. Davos explains that fairy tale books don’t sit well in court. They are interrupted by a summons from Stannis. Melisandre is burning Stannis’ giant Risk game and both are pissed. Davos stands his ground regarding Gendry and later, sticks Gendry on a boat and tells him to get the hell off of Tori Amos Isle.

Jon shows up at Castle Black, and wakes up, relieved that he’s home.

Jamie and Brienne show up at King’s Landing, only no one recognizes them. Jamie walks in on Cersei to find her going over some of her mementos. She looks up and takes him, and what’s lacking of him, all in.

Stannis and Melisandre are ready to burn Davos, who doesn’t care. Davos tells them about the Wall and brings out his letter. Stannis is shocked that Davos learned to read and Melisandre sees her plans changing, and including Davos. She tells them that Davos has to live and Stannis is going North.

Dany is standing outside Yunkai, waiting for people to come to her big White Savior Party. At first, no one does, but then the gates open and all the slaves come out, calling her Mother/Mysha. Dany crowd surfs like it’s 1985 and the David Arkenstone Ethnic Drums and Choir finish up the third season. And now we all wait.