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THE CW UPFRONTS 2013We start with a Robin Hood style archery competition. Nostradamus is upset about an archery butte. Thomas is a really good shot and he and Francis engage in a penis waging competition. Henri and Teresa make eyes at each other, in a way that is obvious to everyone except the blind. Mary walks with Claude, and they reaffirm that nothing has changed.

Nostradamus is attending to Bash. Midge comes in and Bash goes into flirt mode. He kicks out Nostradamus and asks Midge to read to him. Notice, the book she’s reading is about Norse Mythology. This comes into play later.

Back in the archery competition, the two boys banter about how complicated everything is. Thomas ends up winning and gives Mary his favor. Everyone is scandalized, as if they didn’t know that Mary publically accepted his engagement offer. Francis sulks and Mary chases after him. They whisper, while Henri calls out the English Ambassador for being a spy.

Mary, later, asks Catherine why she hates her. Catherine says that Mary brings death. Mary offers to help France, and a prostitute is brought in. Mary must vouch for the prostitute, who says she saw and heard the English envoy being all spy like at the brothel. Mary asks if she will be released from her treaty with France.

Catherine asks Nostradamus if this stuff will save Francis. Nostradamus says no. The girls come to Mary’s room to ask about going with Mary. Mary didn’t want to impose, but it’s not like they have any real place to live, otherwise, so of course, they will. Mary continues to pack her clothing full of stuff that Margaery Tyrell rejected.

Teresa goes to Henri to get some sexy times on, which is still totally squicky. At first, they have random chatting, but then she talks about how she wants to be his official mistress. He talks about the actual niceties of that and she talks a lot about love from a teen’s perspective.

Bash is resting and Francis is chatting. Catherine enters and Francis pushes her away. She goes into Creepy Overbearing Mother mode. I do love how the show can’t figure out how to deal with Catherine. Sometimes they go uber matronly, and sometimes she looks like everything’s been smeared with Vaseline. Here, it’s like that.

Mary and Francis have a lakeside chat over how things are now. Francis feels that Thomas must be held accountable for his actions and that he’s heard a lot about how he’s a cruel and evil man. They sit down and trade banter about rumors that have popped up around “Europe,” including the one about how Francis is young and sickly, which was true in real life. This ends with them kissing. Later, after Mary has retired to her bedroom to ruminate, Thomas barges in, in full on Jealous Boyfriend Mode to talk about the new rules that Mary must abide. That sure was a quick turnaround. He starts beating his manservant instead of beating Mary and finally smashes one of the Ikea wineglasses before storming out. The four girls tell Mary that there’s no way she can marry that man. Mary feels that there’s no way she can’t.

Bash is getting better and the brothers talk about Thomas. There’s a rumor that he murdered his first wife. Thomas interrupts this scene to wave his dick around and hurl insults at the current heir the court where he is staying. Apparently, he’s not that smart.

We get a folk rock montage while everyone goes through costumes for the masque banquet coming up. The girls give longing glances at the men they all adore. Back in Mary’s room, the secret panel opens and Clarissa throws in the seal of the English envoy. She picks it up.

Bash is out walking in the courtyard, and Midge shows up, dressed as a Valkyrie (see, aren’t you glad you were paying attention?). Francis interrupts her flirting time, dressed as St. Michael, which I wouldn’t have known, since he doesn’t have wings. There’s some more chat about sort of plot feelings before we go to the ball. Simon, the English Envoy, is destined to be beheaded and this beheading is going to be the center point of the masque. Sounds delightful and messy. He’s tied to a chair, and Mary approaches him to ask him questions, which he answers and gives her a history of the War of the Roses. You know, since she’s the great granddaughter of Henry VII, you’d think she’d know more about her own family history… Thomas comes up and orders her around, including chastising her for wearing a huntress outfit. Many accusations are flung. Thomas and his manservant flee for the woods as Mary stands up to him.

The rest of the revelers dance, ignoring the royal drama. Francie chats with her kitchen boy, totally indiscreet while complaining about his discretion level. Mary decides to leave to go talk to the prostitute who spoke against Simon, earlier. All signs point to her lying, but who made her lie?

Thomas and Miguel are wandering through the woods, and it’s pretty clear that Thomas is going to kill Miguel. Miguel runs off, but is still shot in the back. Bash and Francis interrupt, and Bash and Thomas start sword fighting, while Bash’s wound reopens. It’s a really cheesy fight, full of porn-worthy grunts. Thomas attacks, but Francis steps in and kills him.

Meanwhile, the execution is about to happen, but Teresa stalls Henri by buttering him up. He admits that he admires her spunk and hopes she can admire his. Francis and Bash show up with Thomas’ body and Mary, and Simon is set free.

Cut to Simon being told by Henri that he’s going to go to Portugal to explain/smooth things over with the king. Mary shows up, and she’s wearing some dress that looks like it started life out as a Christmas sweater. She interrupts Henri’s tirade against her to fight for her own new treaty. Later the girls talk about how cool that was while Teresa sneaks out to go loose her virginity. She loves the sheets and tells Henri to be gentle. He will, but only the first time. That’s reassuring.

Francis and Mary talk about their new positions towards each other. He leaves and Mary thanks Clarissa, seemingly, by addressing the empty hallway. The episode ends with CLARISSA UNDER THE BED!!!! DUH DUH DUH!!!