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THE CW UPFRONTS 2013

 

Catch up week continues!! After our super special expository opening, we find out that the woods are filled with PAGANS. *dramatic music* PAGANS. This episode isn’t going to be offensive at all.

Some carriage is driving through the woods. You can hear two women inside. Some guy stops them and he tells them to use a different way to get to the castle. He’s wearing some tiny antler necklace that is in no way ominous. The carriage goes from normal woods into SUPER CREEPY WOODS and no one says anything. Of course, this means that the carriage immediate breaks down in what is an obvious trap. Swords get drawn and one lady in a dress escapes the throat cutting to end up running through the woods in a big dress.

Mary and Francis hang out talking about politics, which Mary quickly kiboshes. She wishes they could just be a boy and a girl together, and there’s this really cutesy “Well, if that was the case, here’s what *I’D* do,” and of course, it’s really annoying. The castle is getting ready for some unspecified harvest festival, and of course, I doubt that there will be anything resembling an actual harvest. No, we get some toy boat tradition where you write your regrets on a piece of paper, and then tie it to a really intricate toy boat and then watch it sail away. Sounds a little dumb to me, but there ya go. Bash comes up to the girls and flirts with Mary, which seems to upset Midge. Some old man is looking at Francie, and apparently, he’s very rich. She goes off to secure her future, only to find that the older guy is really boring and talks about pepper nonstop, before spilling his wine all over her dress. Francie storms off, and runs into her bread boy, who’s never actually making bread, and is usually dressed pretty well. He mentions that he knows how to get stains out, and proceeds to try and get her out of her dress. Francis, meanwhile, is picking out a boat for Mary, when they are interrupted by the girl from the woods. Apparently, Francis knows her and rushes over. Someone points out that Olivia was a former flame of his, and Mary gets That Look on her face.

Olivia is stuck in the castle’s sick bay and mentions how she was accosted by bandits. Where is her accent from? Apparently, she lost her freshness seal to Francis, and is now considered to be used goods and there’s no one who wants her, no matter how rich she is (so untrue). Francis tells Mary that this is all in the past, and she doesn’t really believe him. He promises he will marry Olivia off and get her out of their misery.

While everyone is having court, or something, Francie ends up complaining about Pepper Guy. Olivia interrupts all of this. Catherine is a bitch to everyone. Mary offers a seat with her group for Olivia, and they talk about something called a blood month, and I don’t want to know. Mary offers Olivia a dress.

Bash is in the forest and Francis confronts him. Lots of attacking the “pagans” in the forest, and I see we’re going that route. Skipper is walking down the hall and “drops” a ring that rolls into Catherine’s path. She picks it up and confronts Skipper. It turns out that our little Skipper is a klepto. Catherine decides to extort Skipper for information on Mary.

Soldiers find the carriage in the forest with bodies strung up next to it. At least one of the victims is still a live, and Bash cuts him down. The soldiers immediately freak out.

Olivia is confused by Mary’s kindness and goes into bitch mode, describing how wonderful sex with Francis was and he was totally in love with HER, and how she’s planning on getting him back.

Nostradamus and Bash chat about the pagans in the forest. Nostradamus warns Bash that he’s screwed up royally and will not be allowed into the creepy pagan woods anymore. Olivia, meanwhile, is wandering around and comes across antler necklace boy in the kitchen. She doesn’t recognize him, though his voice rings a bell.

Mary confronts Francis about his sordid past. Mary suggests a place in Paris for Olivia. Catherine is chatting with Skipper, while playing with a bird in a cage (symbolism!!!!). Catherine gives Skipper an ultimatum regarding Mary.

Francis is hanging out, and Olivia comes in, sneaking some wine in her muff (no pun intended). While she serves him, she chats of the past. He mentions Paris and she gets upset.

The baker’s stain removal technique didn’t work, and Francie is upset about the dress, and the fact that he’s cute, and he’s flirting, and he’s poor.

Olivia confesses that she’s still in love with Francis, and that he should put his country first, which makes no sense, but there ya go. Even if he can’t marry her, she will gladly stay here as his official mistress. That’ll go over well.

Later, Teresa informs Mary that Olivia is staying in court. Catherine steps up and points out Teresa’s necklace, which used to be hers, which means that Henri is getting it. Catherine is surprised that Mary didn’t know about this, and is amused at Mary’s innocence. Francie is surprised that she’s having a real conversation with Pepper Guy, for about a minute. Nostradamus talks to Bash and informs him that the driver is dead, and that the pagans require a sacrifice to replace the one he stopped.

Olivia is staying and Mary is already pretty drunk. She confronts Teresa with the knowledge of Teresa’s affair, but Teresa is in “I Don’t Care” mode. Mary, then, confronts Francis about Olivia, turning on her Jealous Girlfriend Mode. They spout things at each other, including “Respect goes both ways” and “Don’t let me stop you.”

Mary ends up drinking something harsh with Bash. Francis asks Midge where Mary is. There’s a lot of drunk confessing and then Bash kisses Mary. No!!! BAD SHOW!!!!! NO LOVE TRIANGLES!!!!! BAD, BAD SHOW!!!! Francis sees this. Ugh. They met up for the regret ships to be launched. Mary apologizes, while Catherine confronts Skipper. The boats get launched, and are sure moving fast for a pond with no current or wind. Who came up with this crap, anyway? Francis goes to see Olivia.

Francie ends up kissing the Baker Boy, but warns him that no one can know. Catherine is giving herself a facial and chatting with Olivia. Olivia is being pretty forward to the powerful woman who hates her… It turns out that Catherine is orchestrating all this to push Mary away, and let Olivia marry Francis.

Mary and Skipper, it turns out, are in an alliance and Mary knows about Catherine’s plotting.

The pagan boy confronts Bash, and talks about breaking a treaty and how Bash needs to choose his sacrifice victim. This is before the pagan boy jumps off the balcony, and makes me wonder why HE couldn’t have been the sacrifice. Maybe we’ll find out next week.