Dance Moms Recap: Boys, Boys, Boys

Previously on Dance Moms, Abbey yelled so much that Christi snapped and called her fat! The girls were in the room so there was a lot of crying. Let’s dive in!

We go right into the Pyramid of Shame, and the group is visibly nervous. Abbey waltzes in and says “I want to see what fourth place looks like” and launches on a diatribe about how her studio has NEVER placed fourth in twenty years. There’s always a first. .. or a fourth. POS time. On the bottom tier, we have McKenzie, who is out of the group number because she sucks! Maddie’s with her, because Abbeys’ not playing favorites this season! Paige is there because of something something and Nia’s there because she’s just ok. Second tier is Kendall, who was decent, but didn’t blow anyone away. Abbey warns her that if she ever stops saying Kendall’s name, that’s when everyone should worry. Chloe is there, too. Which leaves us with Broo. . wait, nope. No one’s on top. Apparently, no one is good enough to deserve the top spot, and Brooke isn’t even part of the team. Kelli looks aghast and Abbey asks Brooke if she wants to be here. Brooke takes too long to say yes. Either that or she didn’t hear the question because she’s plotting Abbey’s death.

The group number is going to be called “Pink Lemonade” and I’m already gagging. Kendall is doing a solo called “Owe You Nothing” and, ok, Abbey, we get it. No really. Nia also gets a solo, which hopefully will not be “ethnic.” It’s called “100 Years from Now” and while we’re wondering if this is going to be about slavery and racism, it turns out that it’s more about “100 years from now, will Nia be able to point her foot.” So charming. Chloe is “Left in the Dark” and has something to do with dolls. Pink Lemonade has something to do with hats and Abbey says that if anyone drops a hat, they’re off the team. Way to support your dancers.

We see Abbey actually teaching Nia a solo and doing stuff like taking time with her and everything! Up in the Dance Moms Passive Aggressive Lounge, Holly is shocked. Meanwhile, Jill is just living for the fact that Melissa’s kids are on the bottom and all the moms point out how Melissa just takes all the abuse that Abbey pours out on her.

We jaunt over to the Candy Apples Dance Studio and I’m in heaven! Cathy’s shrewd and has assembled a crack team of all boys for this competition. It’s actually something of a genius move. Boys get treated with kid gloves in the dance world, especially if they fit all the right molds, and a GROUP of 50 Shades of Aaron Carter hip hopping across a stage? Pure gold, right there. The boys look askance at Cathy’s power point POS with apple munching sound bites. One of the dads points out how bitchy the POS is and Cathy shoots him down.

We learn that Pink Lemonade is all about life while we watch a dance class with a guy in it. Unfortunately, he’s not on the team, so we move on. Holly and Melissa talk about the studio while rhinestoning. There’s a picture of a screaming Abbey watching over them. Melissa breaks down.

In a move that 1) shocks no one and 2) is another rip off of last season, Jill hired a costume designer for Kendall’s costume. Abbey’s not going to like this shit.

Abbey informs everyone that Pink Lemonade better get first. The hats are costumes, but props and at some point the hats come off to reveal hair and we find that she’s setting them up for failure. Most musical theater dancers who wear hats are going to have them pinned down so that shit doesn’t move or fall off or something. It’s going to be like the red carpet incident, but one someone’s head. There’s a cut to Abbey holding up a rather unattractive fluffy dog to a water fountain. Jill breezes in and decides to take over Melissa’s job as Abbey’s Bitch. Christi just LOVES this, and we end up with a rehash of the costume design incident from last season.

In the sweat shop, it’s all pink and lace and rhinestones. Jill talks up Kendall’s costume, but Abbey feels that that’s a backstabbing move. The moms totally see what’s going on and don’t care. Upstairs in the DMPAL, we find that it’s really late and Chloe hasn’t started learning her solo yet. Maybe this is why she keeps getting shafted. In the studio, Abbey yells at Nia some more while Christi fumes. Everyone takes a time out to call the dance competition to find out that Candy Apples are coming.

Chloe’s actually practicing, now, and Christi’s impressed with how quick she can pick up choreography. Jill is working on a costume and Kelli asks what for, since there’s supposedly a designer, and Jill gives a total non-answer. The girls are holding back because of the hats and I go “duh.”

During practice the next morning, Kendall is getting majorly grilled, but her dancing isn’t bad. Abbey is sans make up and is somewhat scarier. Jill is conflicted about putting her daughter through the ringer.

Somewhere in Ohio, Cathy has hired some preppy white boy from LA to choreograph the boys’ hip hop number! She’s pulling out ALL the stops! The boys aren’t getting it together as well as they should and Cathy is so nervous that her hair flattens from its usual helmet shape.

Abbey is screaming some more of the same shit, and we’re interrupted by “interviews” where it looks like Abbey set her make-up gun to “whore.” There’s no costume for Kendall, so Abby pulls the solo, and Jill walks out, grabbing Kendall, berating the moms, and apparently stealing one of the hats. Kelli’s response? “I said the same thing last season…” Kendall is devastated, and not just by Melissa’s drag interview make-up. Abbey points out that no one cares about Kendall and again we all wonder how this woman has access to kids.

Kelli comes outside to talk to Jill, but Jill is upset that no one stood up for her. Kelli thinks Jill is crazy, and just to prove a point, Jill goes back to apologize to Abbey. Abbey’s response is to tell her to shit or get off the pot.

At the competition, there’s lots of screaming, but it’s more for the cameras than anything else. Abbey ignores her fans and goes to find Cathy’s room. Cathy is thrilled to have an entourage and is setting up when Abbey comes in to admire the underage sausage fest. Abbey sees straight through this trick and starts to pass out t-shirts. Everyone gets passive aggressive. Abbey brings this info to the moms. Christi’s first response is that there will be NO winning or pleasing Abbey now.

Nia’s solo. It’s not bad, but it’s “contemporary” without being contemporary. She’s doing a lot of emoting, which is ok for what she’s doing. And she’s a kid. Kendall’s dance is full of Abbey’s usual tricks and doesn’t suck. Chloe is doing some angry doll dance but it’s to club music and everything is just wrong and I feel like Abbey is setting her up to fail.

Kendall gets third place, but no one else places. Abbey is on the rampage and hauls out a bag of dance clichés that no one believes in except her. The group number better be EN POINTE!!! (yeah, bad pun)

The boys come out and it’s fun. There are lots of stupid male tricks where the guys are taught how to do impressive gymnastics but no nothing about dancing together, as evidenced by the littlest one who can’t keep up. The judges love it and they get a standing ovation. Jill’s pissed. Welcome to the world of dance.

Pink Lemonade starts with everyone’s hands on their heads to keep the hats on. Abbey looks like her sinus meds are wearing off. There’s some pseudo Fosse and the hats come off and Chloe’s hat falls off towards the end. Backstage, Christi’s WAITING for Abbey to say something and warns Chloe. Abbey comes in SHRIEKING at the top of her lungs and Christi says she’s not making a scene, packs up, and informs Abbey to replace Chloe and walks outs. Afterwards, Abbey turns to everyone and says “except for the hat, it wasn’t bad.” Yeah…

Candy Apples gets second place, which means Abbey gets first, Chloe’s hat and all.

Next time! Gauntlets are thrown along with drinks and punches! Stay tuned!