abbyleemillerdance80371Dance Moms! This week starts two weeks of two hour episodes! It’s so much, I might explode! Last week there was speed dating and some group number that didn’t make any sense! Jill was sneaky! More after the jump.

Anyway, in our last competition, we got second place, and this is obviously because the girls sucked in every way possible, and not that the choreography was weird and the story didn’t make sense. Abby tells the girls that they all need be knocked down a peg or two every now and them. She’s doing this quiet thing that’s REALLY REALLY disturbing. Abby didn’t see a love story and doesn’t wonder if that might be because the girls are all 9. Anyway, we’re going to Minneapolis for Intensity Dance, which we’ve been to before. POS is up. MacKenzie’s on the bottom because she lost by 11 points. Nia wasn’t feeling well, and thus was sloppy. Paige’s arms were out of control and Maddie just screwed up. Tier two has Kendall, who was assisted by her mom, and that means that Brooke’s top for doing better than expected. Chloe’s still on suspension and Abby says this is because she’s never seen Chloe work so hard. This is totally like that scene in Ever After where Angelica Houston compliments Drew Barrymore for working so hard on her chores after being jilted by Dougray Scott.

The group number is called Don’t Ask, just Tell, which seems odd. It’s Abby’s stance on being “truthful” whatever that means. Brooke, Kendall and Maddie get solos. Abby’s actually being professional, at least until she sends the girls out of the room and berates the moms for not being psychic.

The girls start out the day with a boot camp thing, while up in the Dance Moms Passive Aggressive Lounge, Melissa talks about her future honeymoon. The other moms are confused, since there hasn’t been a wedding, has there? The other moms want to help out, if there is, but Melissa’s being weird. Abby, downstairs, keeps throwing out weird military clichés, while, in the DMPAL, Holly says she thinks it’s wrong for Jill to be praised for being sneaky. Jill, by the way, looks like she’s been dipped in gold paint. Jill gets upset and doesn’t understand why no one understands her.

In the lobby, Melissa is chatting with Abby and Teenographer and Abby gets a phone call. From a MAN, which makes her very giggly. The moms start out upset about the lack of rehearsing going on until Melissa runs up to dish about man-call. Jill, Melissa and Holly come down and Abby spills the beans about meeting some guy at a gas station. The moms go into immediate Make Over Mode. This must be a girl thing.

Kendall’s doing some number called “Secrets and Lies” and she’s keeping some big secret, but her face has no emotion. Isn’t that what you want when you have a secret? We see more shots of the school that make me question why this place is considered good. MacKenzie says she hurt her foot and Melissa goes to the dressing room to find her daughter crying and wanting to go home. Abby wants to see the damage, since she’s a doctor. MacKenzie pops into the dance and does fine, so there’s that. In the DMPAL, Jill plans a bridal shower, but Christi tries to stop it before everyone gets sued.

The next day, Abby’s at some nail salon and Jill, Melissa and Holly show up and make a big deal out of this. Abby feels that the moms are trying to live vicariously through her, instead of wanting to see her happy (so she stops yelling) or just being nice. Jill does the single ladies dance and we’re all a little embarrassed.

Maddie’s solo is supposed to be darker and edgier and those words never really work well in a competition dance setting.  While people are in the dressing room, Abby’s date “Louis” shows up. He seems kinda gay to me. Not that he is, but if I saw him in NYC, I’d wonder where his boyfriend was. Apparently, Abby didn’t get a good look at him, and starts asking questions about how he looks. He seems to be more petite then she realized. They end up at some place called Flowers in the Attic, which I feel is a very unfortunate name. He rented out the whole place and they are by themselves. There’s small talk and he says he’s on the verge of figuring women out, which sends Abby to the floor. We don’t see much dinner, but we do see the chocolate cake eruption, which are his favorite words. Not helping with the gay thing. Oh, and he was a male stripper.

The next day, the moms accost Abby at the studio and at first, Abby acts coy and then spills the beans.

During rehearsal, there are more dumb military expressions. Brooke’s doing acrobatic stuff, which she’s good at, but still, it’s a little over done.

Jill is in full on Madam Rose mode and getting Kendall new headshots, before pushing her daughter out of the way and sitting on the stool, herself.

The moms hold a surprise bridal shower for Melissa, who is actually happy with the event. There are presents and mini cupcakes and dresses. Kelly rambles. Some salesperson with bad skin, brittle hair and an oversized blazer shows the women dresses and we all bond over Lifetime and yogurt and stuff. Melissa tears up over something that’s tulle and pink and sequined. Ugh.

The next day, Melissa takes MacKenzie to the hospital to look at her foot. Abby’s actually ok with this. Meanwhile, Maddie is rehearsing and the moms are talking about what’s going on and the possible wedding. Melissa calls up Kelly to update her/us on MacKenzie. Downstairs, the group number is rehearsing in combat boots and more military clichés. Abby asks them if they know anything about DADT, and the girls look blank. Abby then summons the moms to berate them for not giving the girls THAT talk. The moms defend themselves but Abby’s not having it. Kelly comes in on Brooke and Paige looking at shorts and talks to them about gay people and Brooke looks all “yeah, mom, I know. Now shut up so I can shop.”

The next morning, Kelly drops Maddie off and checks in on MacKenzie. The foot’s not broken, but she needs to stay off it for 72 hours. They say it’s a sprain, but that doesn’t sound like a sprain. There’s talk about resting but Kelly thinks it’s more that Mackenzie’s intimidated by the dance.

We’re at In10sity Dance and I realize I’ve been spelling it wrong. Some girls are practicing some really ugly echappes. MacKenzie’s been walking around but Abby thinks that’s too much until she pulls out a doctor’s note. Abby tells her to sit down and rest. Christi tells Chloe to try and talk to Abby, who has gone out to get a wheel chair for MacKenzie. Real winner there.

Backstage, Kendall’s not giving enough face and none of the girls are clean or sharp. Already the claws are coming out. Christi and Kelly discuss MacKenzie. Kendall’s really nervous and steps out for her dance. I see what Abby means about Kendall not giving face. She looks like she’s really just thinking about the steps. Though, that could be solved by more rehearsal over a longer period than two days. Abby’s not looking happy. Maddie comes out and the dance is very acrobatic, but there’s no way Abby choreographed that, because it’s lacking in her usual. .. style. We’re seeing the entire dances and it’s a little odd, but kinda cool.

Abby goes backstage to berate everyone. Why didn’t Kendall just do GREAT? I don’t know. You’re the teacher, lady. Abby tells Brooke to just keep doing what she’s doing and runs out. Kelly’s upset about this. Jill steps out and has something to show Abby. Oh, it’s those stupid headshots. Christi talks about seeing MacKenzie doing cartwheels and says something, but Melissa covers up everything.

Brooke’s solo. It’s not bad but Abby keeps making her Not Pleased Face. Kelly thinks that if Abby had been there more, Brooke would have done better, but is still super proud of Brooke. Brooke’s ok with all this because it means less yelling. Abby comes in and asks why didn’t Brooke do better and Kelly interrupts with an accusation of Abby’s coaching. Abby counters with saying that Brooke needs to do it all on her own and makes another stupid military reference.

Oh, we see that MacKenzie’s cartwheels were caught on film. Abby sees all. Melissa sticks up for her daughter, but Abby’s not having it. The girls get lined up and interrogated like this is Full Metal Jacket, before confessing they saw MacKenzie doing cartwheels.

More soldier jokes and Abby informs Chloe that she needs to stand up to her mom more. Yeah, that will work.

MacKenzie is sitting in the audience. The hip hop number is the whitest choreography I’ve seen and has nothing to do with DADT. Why can’t we just allow the girls to dance?

Abby storms in looking like doom. She lines the girls up and they all have to say what they did wrong and do pushups. Way to go. Great teaching style.

Awards. Brooke gets second place in her category. Kendall gets fourth. Maddie gets second and Abby’s not pleased. The group number got SEVENTH, which puts Abby on the warpath. She comes in waving a white hankie and says she’s tired of fighting with everyone, which is a total lie and we roll credits and see how long this armistice lasts.