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abbyleemillerdance80371Last time on Dance Moms, we won everything, even though we spent too much time arguing with Rachelle, the Broadway Dancer. Let’s head to the Pyramid of Shame after the jump.

We go right to the top, where Maddie awaits us. On the second tier, we have Paige, who was good, and Kendall, who was ok. Chloe rounds us out in her perpetual second tier spot. On the bottom, we have Nia who flew under the radar. McKenzie shouldn’t have been in the group number and Brooke didn’t dance so they’re on the bottom. We have one last picture, but not enough girls? Who is it? I didn’t watch any of the commercials, so I’m shocked and surprised when it’s Asia. No, not the band. Who’s Asia? I have no clue, but Maddie’s freaking out. The producers inform us that Asia was a contestant on that Abby Lee Miller’s Super Awesome Whatever Dance TV Show Thing. Abby thinks the girls don’t challenge each other enough and thus are giving them more of an incentive. Or something.

We’re going to Energy Dance in Highland Michigan and for a creative peoples, the dance competition world sure has stupid and uninspired names for their things. One could argue that they aren’t that creative, though. The group is doing a number with a forced theme called “Return to Grace” which is supposed to reference reincarnation. I already don’t get it. Abby talks about coming back better and stronger. That’s rehab, not reincarnation. The moms discuss reincarnation and who they want to come back as.

We switch to Ohio and Cathy’s Apple Pyramid. So over this whole thing. Anyway, what happened to that little Asian boy who spun on his head? He’s not here, and Cathy has a new guy. Apparently he comes with a new choreographer who was awarded the title of Mr. Dance of America. Goddamn, I HATE the dance competition world. Anyway, he’s wearing really tight clothes and has incredible veneers.

Melissa and Abby are sitting around talking about what to do with Broadway Baby. Abby seems to be leaning towards having her dog stuffed and Melissa is encouraging it. Later on the moms find out about this and totally flip.

Downstairs, the trio’s rehearsing their number, and Abby’s all “This is going to be a jazz piece” as if it’s not going to be something acrobatic and flailing anyway. The boys are going to be competing and Abby’s yelling at everyone that they aren’t ready to take on the Candy Apples Y chromosome.

The entire team meets up in the dressing room to get ready for Asia’s entrance. This has been a lot of build-up. Jill’s not into all of this. Also, when did her hair change color? Asia shows up and is wearing way too much make-up and huge fake eyelashes. Girl, it’s only rehearsal. Abby says that the moms are all evil and that Asia and her mom need to just do what they’re told. Abby introduces Asia and her mother to the moms, and Asia’s mother is named Kristie. Christi is all “The position of Christi has been filled, thank you!” Asia will not be in the group number, just like McKenzie. Abby makes some cryptic comments about the girls getting to know Asia, if they know what’s right.

Back in Ohio, John is teaching two dancers some salsa routine that looks very very white. The group number is going to have something to do with the Great Depression. Ugh.

Jill thinks the other moms should be bitches to Kristie, because it’s like a hazing right or something. The other moms ask why Asia joined the group and Kristie says that Asia was booking too many jobs and thus needed to find a better studio. The moms comment that she can’t continue to do that according to Abby’s contract. Kristie’s not intimidated. Asia’s doing some number called “Rock That” and it looks full on slutty. Abby’s yelling and then calls Kristie over to see how the moms are treating her. Abby and Kristie get all conspiratorial while the moms get catty.

Everyone boards the bus and Kristie’s in Jill’s seat and then Melissa’s seat. Christi rolls her eyes, along with me. Jill makes some random comment about maintaining the status on the bus. However, Abby’s not joining them as she’s with a taxidermist about Broadway Baby.

We arrive at Energy Dance and Abby’s still not here. Melissa drops the taxidermy bomb, and Jill’s the only one defending Abby while everyone else makes fun of Jill. Melissa’s upset that McKenzie’s not here, and Christi pushes some buttons to start something between Kristie and Melissa. We bring up Sophia and I had forgotten about her. Abby shows up wearing an ugly dress.

Asia’s getting ready for her solo and it’s going to be a slutty dog. The girls get ready and I’m still flabbergasted by the dog costume. Kristie gives Asia a pep talk to full on kick McKenzie out. What a bitch.

John is stretching one of the Candy Apples in the hallway and I start looking for Chris Hansen. Abby runs into him and there’s a lot of love. Abby says that she doesn’t care that he’s working with Cathy and she seems almost human about it all. Cathy thinks it’s a façade.

Asia does her solo. Why is she in a dog costume? This is really awkward. John’s veneers are blinding me. Melissa’s not happy. Asia crabwalks off stage and the woman sitting in the audience thinks it looks just weird. Backstage the moms ask how she felt and are nice, but waiting for Abby to come in. Kristie wonders why they’re all here and the moms realize whose side she’s on. Abby comes in and punishes Asia for her mistakes.

Trio dance. The girls are wearing fringe, baby. They HAVE to win because they’re up against Candy Apples. Chloe is called out for making faces that we can’t see.

Gino and Sam are doing a salsa routine, but it’s the whitest salsa routine I’ve ever seen. And why is Gino’s shirt open to his waist? Why is the girl dressed like the Arabian character from The Nutcracker? They’re followed by the trio doing a “jazz” number. John looks pleased with all this. So does Abby. How nice.

Abby’s concerned with the group number, and we’re treated to clips of the other groups looking pretty awful. The boys come out and it’s Newsies to depressing music and flailing choreography. They’re all wearing these Bloch shoes which I hate. I’d just like to point that out. Abby thinks the boys were brilliant and that the girls will have to step it up. The girls are doing their typical “lyrical/contemporary” nonsense and Abby thinks it’s great. I wouldn’t have gotten any story out of that if I hadn’t been told.

During the awards ceremony, Maddie and Asia are bonding. Asia wins first place and looks like Best in Show. Melissa’s not happy. The trio gets second to Candy Apples first and I call bullshit. The trio didn’t miss a beat and were connecting with the music. The group number is preceeded by some speech about the only group that got a perfect score. Candy Apples wins. I have no idea if the group number even placed. Melissa is shocked. Abby thinks the girls have just thrown everything away. Cathy comes in to gloat and makes a broom joke that she’s been setting up all episode. NOW Abby has an issue with John. One of the dads wants to bury the hatchet, but Cathy and Abby just start screaming at each other.

Join us next time on Shrieking Harpies!!