We come across someone running through the woods. At first I thought it was Arya after going through a growth spurt, but, nope, it’s Bran. How is he keeping his hair like that? Anyway, he’s up and walking and following the three-eyed crow. He’s interrupted by the kid from Love Actually, and then Rob and Jon. In case you didn’t know, he’s having a dream. He wakes up, sitting up and panting. Osha’s making food and is getting everything ready to head out.
Rob is in a room with Not Jeyne. Wiki reminds me that her name is Talisa. They have some romantic banter where she insults his people and he reminds her that she’s his wife. This loving display of affection is interrupted by someone with news. It’s all bad news, and we learn that Hoster Tully has died. Catelyn’s grieving outside, and wants to go to the funeral when Rob breaks the news of the sack of Winterfell. He gives her small comfort in the idea that Bran and Rickon weren’t found.
There’s a nice cutaway to Theon, that jerkface, tied to a St. Andrew’s cross, being tortured. It’s all too brief.
Brienne and Jamie are trekking through the woods and not really flirting in that way that they do. We’re subjected to a loverly shot of Jamie peeing while Brienne watches. HBO, giving it to you raw. There’s some talk of Renly and Jamie asks if Brienne loved him, and not getting an answer, launches into a list of gay jokes longer than that one South Park episode. His comedy routine is interrupted by some farmer and a horse. Brienne and Jamie argue about if they should kill him or not. Brienne seems to want to take the high road.
Joffrey is having his clothing altered, and wants things more form fitted, and thinks floral designs are too girly. Cersei gets in some Margaery swipes, even though no one’s listening. Joffrey, always the little charmer, wants to mess up her whole family, so you know its love. Oddly enough, Joffrey sticks up for Margaery, but turns it into an insult by claiming she does what every woman should, which is to obey.
Sansa and Shae are having pretty girl mirror time and Shae informs Sansa that Littlefinger wants what every man wants. Well, except Renly and Loras. Sansa is disturbed by this but dismissed the thought. Loras comes in looking a lot sexier than he did in the past few seasons. They enter the courtyard to greet Margaery and her grandmother, Emma Peel. . I mean, Olenna Tyrell. Olenna’s blunt in the way only elderly women can be, though frankly, this scene lacks a number of hysterical elements that the book had. She flat out asks Sansa to tell her everything about Joffrey and Margaery sits on looking demure. Sansa is diplomatic about the whole thing. Olenna doesn’t back down and finally Sansa slips and lets it all out. Neither Margaery nor Olenna look surprised.
Rob’s army is on their way to Hoster Tully’s funeral, and we hear people talking about how he’s already lost due to marrying Talisa. While the camp stops, Catelyn is making a dream catcher thing and Talisa asks to help. Catelyn explains how you have to be a mother to join the Special Dreamcatcher Weaving Mother’s Club, and tells a story about how she has hated Jon Snow from the moment he was born. She then goes super dramatic and claims to be the worst mother alive.
Speaking of Jon, he’s currently trudging through the snow. Mance comes up and is all “Well, you’re one of us, but if it turns out you’re lying, we’ll KEEL YOU!!” They come across a warg and there’s a lot of foreshadowing.
Meanwhile, everyone hates Sam. Some ugly dude is standing behind him telling him some pretty awful shit and Sam finally breaks down and collapses in the snow. One of the other ugly guys and that one big guy stop and pick up Sam. Old Guy Who’s Not Benjen comes up and tells the first fuggo that it’s now his duty to keep Sam alive, and if Sam dies, they’ll kill Fuggo.
Bran’s sleeping, sort of, and is woken up by the Kid from Love Actually, aka, Jojen Reed. We get a Mexican stand off as Summer’s growing, Osha’s ready and Meera’s got her trident against Osha. Jojen convinces them to calm down, and Summer stops growling.
Gendry, Hot Pie and Arya are also traipsing through the endless woods, while Gendry’s pointedly asking questions about why she wanted to kill the Tickler, instead of Joffrey or someone who could stop this war. They’re interrupted by a group of dirty, drunk men singing. Arya tries on her best bravado, and we find out this is the Brotherhood Without Borders. Think Robin Hood mixed with Doctors Without Borders. Fat jokes are made about Hot Pie.
Tyrion enters his room to find Shae waiting for him. He tells her she can’t be there and she tells him that Littlefinger wants Sansa’s ladyfinger. Things turn to Littlefinger’s assistant, Roz the Upwardly Mobile Hooker, and Shae immediately gets jealous that, at some point in time, the man that’s paying her for sex also paid someone else for sex. Then the conversation turns back to Sansa and Shae gets jealous because Sansa’s prettier and younger than she is. Or something.
Margaery joins Joffrey in his chamber, where he’s playing with a new crossbow, no pun intended. Joffrey asks a bunch of questions that basically boil down to “Is your freshness seal still intact?” Margaery plays him like a fiddle. They end up having a crossbow lesson, aka the oldest trick in the book.
Theon’s still being tortured and keeps blurting out what he thinks his torturer wants to hear, but to no avail. He’s left on the rack and the janitor in the corner loosens his bonds and announces he’s here to rescue Theon, but at a later date. Theon isn’t happy.
Rickon, being a boy, can’t keep still and runs off. Jojen announces that Bran is a warg and that the three eyed raven brings sight. Osha gets all on Meera for being a warrior woman, despite the fact that Osha is, well, a warrior woman.
The Brotherhood Without Boundaries are drinking and trying to get the three underage children (Well, more underage girl and two teen boys) drunk. Arya is the toughest little thing they’ve seen and they all laugh and poke fun at her swordplay. This is interrupted by the capture of Sandor Clegane, who points out just who Arya is.
Jamie and Brienne are about to cross a river and Jamie goes into full jerk ass mode in an effort to get a sword from Brienne. This starts a drawn out swordfight, in which Brienne powers up her awesomeness to kick the shit out of Jamie, before being interrupted by Bolton, his men and the farmer she didn’t kill. OH NOES!
Join us next week! Hopefully there will be more boobage, and someone might die!!