Game_of_Thrones_title_cardGame of Thrones! Impressive geological backdrop!! New town! Oh. . Uh oh. That sound you heard accompanying the credits was the sound of a million nerds having an aneurism all at once. Why? Because Riverrun is supposed to be shaped like a triangle and juts into the river, that’s why.

We start out in Lord Hoster Tully’s river Viking funeral. He’s off on his little boat and Edmure lights an arrow and launches it, only to see it fall short. He does this a second time and everyone looks massively uncomfortable. Finally, the Blackfish, looking exasperated, shoves him aside and shows him how it’s done. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief. You’d think they’d plan it better if it was such a big deal. Later, Rob and Edmure are talking war talk and Rob chastises Edmure for doing something or not doing something or . . . ok, cut me some slack. It was last season and I don’t refresh myself on these things. Rob wants to be let alone to do his job and starts to sound like an 80’s corporate movie. He mentions Tywin and thus we cut to . . .

Tywin. Varys, Littlefinger and the old Maester who had sex with Roz (Wiki reminds me that his name is Pycelle) join him in the table room. They all sit down and are joined by Tyrion and Cersei. No one talks. Cersei sits down and Tyrion stares at everyone before dragging a chair from the side of the table to the very end. Twyin called this meeting to find out what’s being done about Jamie. No one has anything to say. After more awkwardness, the conversation switches to Harrenhall, and Varys starts making pointed comments regarding titles and it’s obvious it’s to rile up Littlefinger. Tyrion brings up the cost of the wedding, meaning Littlefinger can’t leave, and instead, Tyrion is given the post of Master of Coin.

Brave Sir Robin and his men are marching through the woods singing about a bear. Jamie and Brienne are tied up on a horse, being tortured by the music. At first, they sit there and snark back and forth at each other before coming to a truce as Jamie talks about how Brienne is probably going to be raped.

Gendry is assisting the Brotherhood Without Whatever and Arya is itching to leave. Sandor is being locked up in a carriage to be transported to wherever everyone is going. Hot Pie, though, is staying. The cook likes his bread. He gives Arya a loaf in the shape of a “wolf” but most people would be forgiven for not knowing what it was. There’s an awkward goodbye. Arya tells him that his bread is really good as she leaves.

Catelyn is staring out the window, looking at the river. She and the Blackfish discuss war and how it affects people and what the fate of her children are. Downstairs, Talisa is dealing with the Lannister children, which . . . where did we get those from? I mean *I* know, because I read the books, but I don’t remember it ever being addressed in the show. Talisa tries to be all cutesy and coy and talk about how her husband may eat them or may not.

Up in the North, Mance and Co come across a giant spiral made out of dead horse carcasses. The wildlings talk about how the riders are now dead or “dead” and no one seems to mention/notice the pretty pattern the dead bodies are making. Everyone looks around, knowing that there are now some zombies running around with some stylish black fur cloaks. Mance sends some guy and Jon to the Wall to try and kill everyone. Because that’s gonna stop the zombie apocalypse. Jon looks visibly disturbed and no one notices, since he’s still around.

The rest of the Night’s Watch approach Craster’s Home for Squick, and Sam spies Ghost. Craster comes out and makes a big show about not welcoming them, but really welcoming them. Inside, they get some dinner, while Craster goes on and how about how none of them should be touching his daughter wives and how only godly men (aka men with 500 daughter-wives) will resist the magic zombie apocalypse. Everyone looks uncomfortable and Craster wonders why they didn’t bother to eat Sam. Sam gets up and leaves to go find a birthin’ going on. It’s a boy, as evidenced by the close up of the penis, which means curtains for this little child.

Theon’s rescued by his dashing savior. We’re still not sure who he is. Theon gets his clothes on, is strapped to a horse and rides east.

Stannis and Melisandre are on the shore while Melisandre gets ready to leave to go somewhere. She doesn’t even know. Stannis is all over her and doesn’t want to go, but she has to and informs him that his fires are burning low. There’s some talk about king’s blood and how it runs in other people’s veins.

In Astapor, Dany’s walking down the Boulevard of Crucified Slaves. She tries to give one of them water, but he just wants to die. Barristan and Jorah yammer back and forth about Dany’s decision to buy the slave warriors. Jorah thinks it’s a good idea. Barristan doesn’t. Rinse, repeat. Anyway, Dany wants to buy them all. The slavers engage in more translation antics, calling her a slut and generally degrading her while the translator turns it all into niceties. The slavers tell her she can’t afford to buy all the slaves, and Dany puts up a dragon as her payment. Jorah and Barristan are upset about this. Dany even takes the slave girl as a “gift” and the two of them start to bond over not having penises.

At Baelish’s House of Fun, Roz is cleaning the floor and teasing Pod at the same time. Apparently, the kingdom’s records are there, and Tyrion needs them. There’s some talk of relationships and how whores are more difficult to deal with then finances. They pick up Bronn before leaving Pod in a room with three nubile, topless, flexible women who are ready to pop this poor boy’s cherry. Yeah, this is going to be over in about 15 seconds. There’s talk of a Mereenese knot, which, side note, is funny because that’s what people were calling one of the plot points that kept delaying book five, so . . . shout out, I think.  Anyway, it turns out that Baelish was borrowing money left and right and Tryion has no clue how to pay it back. While he and Bronn are talking this over, Pod returns with his money. He says the working girls decided to give him a freebee. Tyrion and Bronn don’t believe this and sit him down and want details. So do I. Disappointing cut to …

The Highlands and someone on a horse is running around. It turns out to be Theon, who’s being chased. He’s knocked off his horse, and it looks like he’s about to be the center of attention in a gang bang when his captors get themselves all arrowed up and dead. As he’s pulling his pants up, his dark and lovely mystery savior shows up to help him back on his horse.

Speaking of rape, Brienne and Jamie are tied to trees and Jamie is coaching her on how to have the lease amount of damage done. Brienne’s taken away and fights back and eventually, Jamie speaks up in her defense and talks about how much she’s worth. Bolton comes back, stops the rape and says the North can’t win. Jamie tries to convince him otherwise and is let go, only to be strapped to a table and then Bolton comes out of nowhere and chops off Jamie’s hand.

I was wondering if they were going to keep that in. Join us next week on Everyone Gets Raped!