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rupauls-drag-race-season-5-guest-judgesBackstage, the girls are chit-chatting about Detox leaving. There’s some banter and Detox has left a personal note for both Alaska and Roxxxy. Either because she’s a lot more of a bitch then she lets on, or because of producer meddling, she doesn’t leave a note for Jinkx. The high school bullshit will continue from there, folks, just a warning.

She-Mail!! Everyone has to make a case why they should be the next drag superstar! Something, something hung jury, giggle, something. Michelle Visage comes downstairs to prep the dolls. Alaska says “She has legs!” I say, “Why is she looking vaguely like Madame?” The gworls are going to be in the music video of RuPaul’s new single, “The Beginning” (available on iTunes. . .). They will also be filming a “dramatic” court scene for the video, which, keep note of the word “dramatic.” They will then have to defend themselves on the mainstage.

The queens are joined by a choreographer named Candace Cayne. Wikipedia says she’s done stuff that we’ve seen, but I didn’t know this. We’re going to be doing chiffon-ography in an ugly maxi jumper. Alaska is looking pretty bad and can’t get the moves down. Cayne brings out the fan and tells the girls about hair-ography. Roxxxy channels her inner Beyonce and brings it. Alaska’s hair keeps getting in her face. Jinkx has some issues and then her wig flies off.

The trio heads to the soundstage where a giant green screen awaits them with a convertible. Because we’ve never seen three drag queens in a convertible before? At one point in time, Jinkx and Roxxxy end up getting their hair fused together for a moment. Alaska is in an afro, and while I appreciate the choice to stand out, it doesn’t move that well in the wind. Jinkx ends up taking over and standing out to Candace. They have to do a speed up lip synch to get a slowed down effect later on. Roxxxy does really well with this. Alaska ends up having a lot of issues. Roxxxy’s pissed.

The gworls end up having a combo of their lunch with RuPaul and a meeting with high power lawyer lady, Gloria Allred. Alaska’s asked what’s her winning qualities and she says “Star power and x-factor” which makes her sound like a gay superhero. Allred isn’t impressed and wants her to up the confidence. Roxxxy’s unique strengths make her spout some Miss America vagueness which Allred immediately smacks down. So, Roxxxy does what she does best, bitch about other people. The other girls don’t have any obstacles, beauty or creativity (I really don’t think she knows what that last word means). Jinkx, on the other hand, has a pretty solid answer to what her strengths are, but fails to say anything negative about the other contestants. Allred warns her about this and sends her off.

Jinkx goes for her lunch with Ru. They talk about Broadway and Jinkx talks about her mother, who was an alcoholic, forcing Jinkx to be the adult in the situation, especially with siblings. Ru wonders if this is why she does an older drag, rather than a Britney drag. Alaska’s meeting revolves around Alaska being scared of dying and leaving things unfinished. Roxxxy talks up her fearless attitude and how she’s representing the big girls. This season was severely lacking in the funny.

It’s time to film the courtroom scene!! We have three groups, and the queens change clothes between each of them, rotating characters, while Judge Ru-dy stays the same. JInkx is giving us worn out pin up doll for the prosecutor. Alaska is doing hard core chain smoker. Roxxxy’s being her own special brand of ghetto bitch fabulous. Second group, Alaska’s channeling Faye Dunaway, Jinkx is overly dramatic in mink and Roxxxy’s boring. Third group, Alaska is evil Lady Bunny, Roxxxy has no motivation and can’t remember the lines. Jinkx goes full on Fried Green Tomatoes. We get good long session of Roxxxy not understanding what a spit take is, and doing the world’s longest version of what she thinks it should be. You can see her get more and more frustrated.

Backstage, Jinkx is exhausted, Alaska is relieved and Roxxxy turns the bitch to eleven. She talks about how the other two are comedy girls and she didn’t realize this was supposed to be funny. Alaska rightly points out that this isn’t an episode of CSI, so she has no idea where Roxxxy’s coming from. Roxxxy launches into a tirade about gimmicks and comedy and how this is all bringing shame to the subtle art of True Drag or something. Apparently, not only is she uncultured in general, but she has no damn clue about the origins of her profession. She also knows nothing about acting as she also doesn’t get why the other girls were doing characters with backstories. And she thinks that Jinkx has been skating by. Jinkx finally says “don’t blame everyone else when you don’t do well.”

Final day. Jionkx wants to soak it all up. Roxxxy’s still harping on how the courtroom scene didn’t have to be a parody (um, what else was it supposed to be?). They talk about comedy, and Roxxxy, again, complains that they’re demeaning drag. Jinkx generally asks what the best moment they’ve had on the show is, and Roxxxy replies “Seeing you in the bottom two.” Jinkx goes into mother mode and informs Roxxxy that she’s being immature. Roxxxy proceeds to blow dry her hair and ignore everything that’s being said, but you can tell by her smirk that she’s loving all this stupid drama. Goddamned shit starter. I’d say that I’d love to think that one day she’ll be treated the same way, but I’m guessing that she already has, which is even sadder. Alaska points out that this is typical pageant girl mind game drama bullshit.

Mainstage.

Roxxxy’s dressed in a very pretty curvy dress with lots of big paisley print going on. It’s very visually stunning. Jinkx is demure in an 80’s prom outfit that’s a little too understated. Alaska comes out with big hair and  lace dress that’s very Tilda Swinton until we see the padding she’s brought. In the video clips, we see that Roxxxy can’t act, Alaska was channeling Lucille Ball, and Jinkx owned her characters.

Judges.

Roxxxy looked great and came into the show as a pageant queen. However, her characters  blended together into one mild blob. Jinkx, on the other hand, is an amazing actress, but the dress was too blah. However, her make-up was spot on. Alaska made it all work, though choosing an afro was not the best choice for the video.

Closing Arguments.

Roxxxy says she has what the other girls don’t have. Grace, beauty and professionalism. Again, she’s using words that I don’t think she knows what they mean. She also gives another Big Girl shout out. Jinkx says she used drag to escape a shitty home and she adapted and grew in the competition. Roxxxy takes this moment to interrupt and apologize for “Things said” but without telling the judges what was actually said. Alaska is hungry and goes into Southern Preacher mode, chastising the other girls, but in a funny way. This is how you read someone. She points out that she turns tragic into magic and has never been in the bottom two.

The judges think that Roxxxy was great in the video, but Michelle points out that’s all she does.  Jinkx doesn’t care what she looks like, which is good, but her style is rather lacking. The judges wonder if she really needs to, though. Alaska has become a contender and was the only one to read the other girls, which was a part of the assignment.

The lip synch is to The Beginning (available on iTunes?). Jinkx works it all over the stage. Roxxxy just stands there and at some point, ends up in the very back, just trying to look pretty and comes across as hiding. Alaska is doing a lot of posing, but looks fierce. It’s a tight race!!

Roxxxy – I really don’t think she should win. She’s never really been on my radar and I’ve never been a fan. This has been clinched in the past few weeks when she’s blamed other people for her shortcomings and acted like a huge bully. I get that some of this is editing, but even viewing it through that, it’s coming across as petty and cruel, and I’m not ok with that.

Alaska – I thought she was going to skate by for a while as Sharon v2. I think everyone did. She’s impressed me in the past and tonight, she really amped it up. I think I’d be ok with an Alaska win.

Jinkx –  Jinkx has become my personal favorite. Yes, she’s had a lot to learn, but she’s come at the show with an open mind and a willingness to learn. She’s taken the judges critiques and run with them, and has a solid view on who she is and where she’s come from.

What do you think? Head to twitter to vote and come back next week for a Very Special Episode before the big finale!!