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So I have written about some very profound topics that plague the gay community such as open relationships and racism yet the one that remains that most prevalent and in your face is the idea of wanting someone who is more masculine (masc) or feminine (fem).  This is becoming such a large part of our culture that it has even turned into a label such as bear, muscle or twink in terms of being a non-negotiable in what a man wants in another.  Yet this whole idea really does blur the boundary lines of offensiveness in our society.  How do we break this down?  How did we get here? These are things that I have typically noticed not only in how I can view men (sometimes) but also with dating profiles, different bars I have been to, encounters with friends and boyfriends and above all the queen herself, New York City.

I want a straight acting guy.  OK you know what show I really freaking love right now? Girl Code.  Guy Code is great, don’t get me wrong.  I still feel like they should do a Gay Guy Code but LOGO thinks they already have that covered with the ever present hot mess of a show 1 Girl 5 Gays (LOGO is a sister network of MTV.  I swear I’m getting to a point).  Anyways, during Girl Code they have a quick segment called “I Can’t” where one of the girls explains things they really just can’t stand about other girls.  The opening line of this paragraph is the one thing that really justifies how fucking stupid gay men can be.  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN STRAIGHT ACTING? It doesn’t.  That I find to be on so many people’s profiles and requirements when it comes to another man but at the same time it makes no sense.   I think instead of saying “straight acting” or “masculine” the best answer in this situation that would offend less people is butch.  When you think butch, you think deep voiced and to a certain degree manly.  If you wanted someone straight acting then go hit on a straight guy.  To justify something of this sort really has no justification to it.

Media portrays gays as Jack McFarland.  I do blame the media, I really do, for a part of our culture (nothing wrong with any of the following statements) that make the entire country have this predisposition that all gay men are Sean Hayes on Will & Grace.  Sure, a ton of those guys exist.  And the more, the merrier in my opinion.  There just comes a point where I think a lot of men are afraid to bring out their inner Jack because other men would look at them and think or even say “Queen” or “fem bitch”.  You know, something of that nature.  A lot of the community that I am in sort of breeds itself on masculinity, but it can also play mind tricks on you when you see a hot muscle guy and they open their mouths and it isn’t what you think it will be.  It’s an interesting juxtaposition to see someone so rugged yet so not at the same time.  But it really does put into question a lot of things which is ultimately don’t judge a book by its cover.  In any community, gay or straight.

GURLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. Yes, we all say that.  But some people gay people get so offended by it (I have at times).  We refer to each other as she or her, say everything like “Hunty” that many people think is designed for women to say to each other.  I am not old enough to know if this terminology has always been apart of our culture, but it seems to be pretty relevant and prevalent to say this type of lingo.  I for one have no problem with it, but does it fem us up when we are tipsy at the bar and the inner drag queen comes out? Not really.  I think it’s just fun expressions when we are with our friends and not really a reflection as to who we are as a person.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again- DON’T FAKE IT.  My friend and I back in May went to the opening of The Urban Bear Weekend at some remote place downtown that by the time we got there wasn’t very populated.  We both met this really attractive gogo boy there.  I for one consider myself to be deep voiced as does my friend, and when he came over he started talking a bit feminine but when he heard our voices switched gears.  We both totally realized it.  In my eyes, you shouldn’t have to do that.  Embrace who you are, embrace how you speak, embrace whatever the fuck you feel.  Don’t fake yourself to get another guy to like you no matter what the situation is.  We always hear the term “be real” but for real be real!


  1. Not sure this touched on any stereotypes of the Masc/Fem debate…

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