Thoughts Of An Insecure Gay Man

It has been brought to my attention by friends of mine (amongst other people) that a lot of my articles tend to focus on the negative aspects of the bear and gay communities and never the ones that are positive.  My original goal when I started this website was to distance myself from my music blogging (which I did for four years) and start writing about the gay community and the ever present issues that seem to surround it.  In doing so, I found myself in a tug of war of not choosing sides yet wanting to get my honest opinion out there.  I was also defending myself to a point where people I knew started to think that I only listened to my own opinions and never anyone else’s.  Throughout a year of writing about the gay community and the tons of comments that I have gotten from my write ups, albeit good or bad, there is a conclusion that I have come to in all of this-

I am insecure in how I view myself in this community, my writing, and ultimately myself.  It has just taken a very long time for me to finally realize it until the repetitive comments that people were telling me finally smacked me in the face.  A lot of what I write is based off of my own experience in this community over the past ten years or so and a lot of my insecurities tend to show up in my writing.  I think what the ultimate issue that I am trying to figure out is how to turn it around, how to not let a lot of what I think people are saying or thinking about me affect me to the point where I am putting it into writing and not necessarily hearing an opposing viewpoint because I am so hell bent on being right?  That’s when another a-ha moment came into play- a lot of those insecurities are just that.  Nothing more, and nothing less.

I think when someone comes into the gay community, they come in with a shit ton of expectations about things.  Generally, they are let down because they set the bar so high in how they view them that often times they can come away from any experience disappointed or feeling like there is lacking.  Therefore, they turn that disappointment onto themselves and wonder, “Why am I not fitting in?”, “Why don’t I feel good looking enough?”, “Am I too fat for that guy?”  It really becomes a vicious cycle that we do to ourselves as adults, and it can lead to bad traits that the gay community has come to experience such as mean cliques, bullying, self hatred of course and not feeling like a community is well, a community.

I have found myself hard to be around groups of gay men even at my own age, because I fear judgement.  I fear it in the worst way possible because I go into every situation wanting everyone in the room to like me.  It is sort of like the adult version of high school.  When you go to that particular party or gay bar, and you are solo in doing so, a lot of these thoughts tend to go into your mind.  As social as I can be sometimes I tend to go overboard just to reassure myself that the person or persons that I am talking to go away with thinking that I am a funny, nice or cool guy.  There has even been situations where being overly social can be viewed as slutty, which is a wrong interpretation on things.  A lot of guys draw a very fine line between being Most Talkative and Mr. Wallflower very well.  Same goes with dating.  I find myself putting so much effort into the other guy, when I have been told by several different friends and family members that it’s best to just be yourself and let them come to you.  But at the same time, when you hit the age of 25 and every freaking time you go on Facebook and at the top of your news feed is someone announcing that they are getting married, engaged, having a kid or buying a freaking house that “clock” that is so widely known kicks in and you want to pull out all the stops to be like them.  The “Jones’ to a certain degree.  When you also see a ton of your friends getting into relationships, there is a part of you that is of course happy for them but envies them as you want the same thing.  I know I can’t be the only one that thinks this way.

Maybe it’s from being in a big city that I feel this way.  I found that when I was in smaller communities guys tended to be friendlier and more wanting to get to know you.  At the same time, being in New York City has been really amazing in terms of meeting people that right now are my best friends and would do anything for me and vice versa.  There really are some amazing guys that are out there that are genuine and good, you just sometimes have to weed through the bad ones in order to get to the good ones.  A lot of guys I know stopped trying because they got tired of the scene and didn’t really feel like putting in the effort anymore, but for me I like a good challenge and due to that have the friendships that I do.  Am I still insecure throughout it all?  Sure.  But at the same time I can live with these insecurities and try to better myself in this process we call life and still find a way to make the gay community great in finding your own niche in things.  Things always don’t have to be so negative or bad, and that is something that I am learning throughout this whole process.