Credit to: The Huffington Post

I was watching a very old episode of “Sex And The City” the other day, it might have been the pilot, where the discussion surrounded around women trying to have sex like men.  In other words- no feelings, get in, get out, with no emotions.  In the modern age we call that a friend with benefit or in layman’s terms, a fuck buddy.  However, a growing trend I have seen in the gay world, especially in major metropolitan cities like New York, is the idea that men will edge and edge and edge their brains and nether regions into thinking that the next man (or scene) will finally be the one to make them finish looking (and coming), but some are never truly satisfied and will continue edging for their own personal (and sometimes) selfish reasons.  So the question remains- why do men edge and never cum when it comes to actually committing yourself to another guy?

This is a classic case, in my opinion, of the grass is always greener on the other side.  We live in a modern society where the traditional POV of a monogamous relationship has kind of gone out the door and each person is finally getting to be in a mindset of figuring out what works best for them.  In the past year alone, I have heard of concepts that go way outside the open relationship such as packs, triads, and so on and so forth.  Is that just our way of figuring out that the more the merrier can actually work for some people?  That one person really isn’t going to fulfill everyone’s wants and needs both in and out of the bedroom so let’s bring in multiples and see how it plays out?  The older I get, the less judgemental I feel when it comes to these things as some people are just truly equipped differently when it comes to finding what they want.

However, the concept of edging has quite a lot of variables to it.  For instance, what happens when you actually do meet a guy, date for a significant period of time, and still have the gay apps available at your disposal for a “just in case” type of method?  What does this actually show to the other guy, who might in fact be doing the same thing?  In life, at one point or another, we are always looking for the fall back plan.  It kind of goes back to us being seniors in High School and having a safety school that we know we will get into, regardless of the other applications that we send. Why do some of us feel the need to play it safe, or in the app world, play it with purpose so that just in case shit falls through with the guy you are seeing you can always log on, get it on, and get off within an hour time frame.  Question being, when the edging in this particular situation actually does lead to you coming with another person, is there still a satisfaction in knowing you had that backup, or is the satisfaction in that you had a full proof plan that worked for you momentarily?

Another form of edging is two types- the guy who is strictly looking for a one night stand and the guy who dates and dates but never really looks for a commitment with someone else.  It coincides with us when we do edge while looking at porn.  We think the scene that we are watching is finally gonna get us to blow, but we trick our minds into believing that there is some other woofy type of hot link out there where instead of three sexy, big dick bears getting it on that there is one with four guys.  So that might entice, eh?  What that means is that you can date a great guy, see them for what they are worth, but then fall back into your mindset of “Is this really gonna be worth it at the end of the day?  Do I really see myself with this person, or no?” Same goes for the one night stand aspect as well.  There is a reason why bars are open until 4am.  It gives you time, either in a sober or hazy stance, to figure out who works best to bring home and then kick out 6 hours later or immediately after.

Being in New York City, you have endless options when it comes to finding a guy.  That becomes painfully clear when I traveled to Old Saybrook, Connecticut two weeks ago, turned on the apps, and it was a ghost town.  The nearest guy to me was 10 miles away, whereas in New York City the nearest guy to me is always less than 250 feet away.  It is such an insane juxtaposition.  It doesn’t mean though that you have to travel to a small town in order to find commitment.  That is irrelevant, however, when your bevy of choices in a big city reads like a hungry person going to a huge buffet, it may be hard for you hone in on just one thing you are craving.  I’ve been there, and I know several that have as well.

As I am trying to brand myself as the bear Carrie Bradshaw, AKA Bearie Bradshaw, I enlisted my good group of friends and asked them the same question as the title of this article.  The answers that I got were quite varied and had a very unique position when it comes to this certain topic.  They will remain anonymous of course, but listen to what they have to say-

I cannot say the phenomenon you describe is just for gay men. Rather, it’s a generational thing. Your generation was raised to always look for more. (More experiences, more toys, more friends… I know this because my kids are your age and I see it in some of them and in their friends.) In the straight world, there is a unique pressure (from society and from family) to pick someone and settle down. While I love gay men for so many reasons, they have not evolved yet to the same expectations in life that straights have. Maybe ‘evolve’ is not the right word; because it makes the journey sound like one is better than the other. Instead, social acceptance of gay marriage will eventually cause a shift in individual expectations… and you are on the front of that wave. Consider it your gift to the next generation.

Ahh… the “next man through the door” problem.  It’s a way of keeping your emotions in check. Allowing for hope and safety in solitude whilst waiting for “the right one” and justifying the “wrong one right now”…

Current culture has found away to capitalize on FOMO especially since humans have expanded to the digital age.  We see more of this and it’s not just in our relationships with people, it’s in our relationships with things. Think of it.  We’ve trained our minds to “trade up” everything we have.  Your phone has a crack screen?   Just hang on to it till you can trade up to the newer version, don’t bother to fix it.  It’s not a gay man prob. it’s a human prob. Humans are creatures of habit. We’ve allowed our habits with THINGS affect our habits with other humans. Our habits aren’t a problem when it comes to things. Things don’t have emotions. Things can’t develop an attachment to you to your dreams and your life.

In conclusion, is there really a right answer to this question? No.  It can go so many different ways.  The real question really is, how do you plan on getting yourself to the finish line?