Game of Thrones Recap: It’s a-me, Daario!!

Previously, Sam and Gilly had awkward conversation, Shireen finally made her debut, Sansa refused to learn more about good sex, Shae pouted, Tori Amos told Gendry that he was noble, Arya complained and Dany was a diplomatic badass. Caught up? No? Then read the books.

Arya wakes in the middle of a forest, and lo and behold, there’s a rock, just right for smashing, right next to her. She sneaks up to Sandor, who’s awake, and says she gets one chance before he breaks both of her hands. Cut to Arya looking glum on a horse, hands still intact. Sandor says that she’s lucky, since he doesn’t want to rape or beat her. Arya complains some more and thinks she’s being hauled back to King’s Landing. It turns out that Sandor is taking her to her mother at the Twins, where a big wedding is about to occur. Arya perks up at this news.

Men on horses are running around tents in Yunkai. Barristan and Jorah tell her that these are the Second Sons, led by Mero, the Titan’s Bastard. Dany wants to meet with Mero and his captains. Cut to Dany’s tent and Mero, looking sexy, Daario, looking womanish, and some random Asian guy. Daario, mind you, has long reddish brown hair that every single person of Celtic descent or is a member of a Celtic based pagan religion would kill for. In the books, it’s blue. Just letting you know. Dany uses her sex appeal, and Mero rises to the bait and is very crass. Daario looks like he’s not interested in women, and Asian Guy looks angry. The captains leave with a lot of bravo being thrown around, and little else. Dany says Mero should be killed first, if it comes to that.

Melisandre Amos and Gendry arrive on a desolate shore, that at first, I thought was the Red Keep. It turns out to be Dragonstone. Stannis is in his war room, going over his epic collection of D&D maps, since there’s really nothing else to do on Dragonstone. Melisandre enters and Stannis jumps to with the insults. Melisandre says you shouldn’t let a lamb see the knife before the slaughter. So, we’re still going to kill Gendry.

Meanwhile, Davos is down in his cell, acting out scenes from Precious. Stannis interrupts. Davos knows exactly what’s going on, and Stannis is already in self-righteous mode. Davos can go free if he swears to never harm Melisandre again. Davos agrees, but is clear that that doesn’t mean he’ll be silent. Stannis goes back to talking about all his visions and how right he is with the conviction of every convert out there.

Back in Yunkai, Mero’s got a hooker, Daario is being philosophical and Angry Asian is being Angry. This whole scene exists only to show some boobies. There’s a complicated coin thing. Again, tits. Thank you HBO.

Sansa’s getting dressed, with Shae’s help. Tyrion comes in and Shae is immediately pissy. Tyrion goes into self-effacing mode and asks Shae to step out into the hall with Poderick “Magic Penis” Paine. I like Sansa’s dress. Tyrion says he’ll take good care of her. Sansa looks apprehensive.

Cersei and Margaery are standing around, and Margaery is going into “sister” mode like she always does. Cersei slaps this down and proceeds to give a detailed history of the Rains of Castamere. Margaery looks on, playing up her innocence. Finally, Cersei gives the punch, threatening to strangle her if Margaery ever calls her sister again. This lovely interplay is interrupted by Sansa arriving at the sept. Joffrey comes up to give her away, as father of the realm. The guests seem all informal for a high born wedding. Joffrey, who always has to be a dick, takes down the step stool provided for Tyrion, making Sansa kneel when Tyrion has to place his mantle over her shoulders. People laugh until Tywin gives them the Look of Death.

Gendry’s hanging out in a room far plusher than he’s ever been around and Melisandre comes in. She tells him more about being a slave and eating questionable food. She gives him wine and he thinks it’s poisoned until she drinks. She starts getting touchy and he’s freaking out. Finally, she shows that her dress is made for easy removal and tells him her god wants them to have sex. It goes fast and we see Gendry’s root. Also, where is he getting the tools to trim and wax? Melisandre ties him to the bed and proceeds to drop leeches on him. He starts screaming like they’re something other than leeches. Stannis walks in. Gendry continues to freak out. Melisandre picks up the leeches and gives them to Stannis, who drops them in the fire and names Balon Greyjoy, Rob Stark, and Joffrey.

At the wedding feast, Olenna is going over Margaery and Loras’ new complicated family tree. Loras gets pissy and storms off. Tyrion’s drunk. Sansa leaves and Joffrey goes to taunt her. Margaery sits by herself. Tywin goes to Tyrion and tells him that Sansa needs to be pregnant, yesterday. Tyrion takes this opportunity to try and embarrass his father. Tywin’s not having it and Olenna is ready to plotz. Loras goes to talk to Cersei, who’s not interested in talking to her soon to be, underage, gay husband.

Joffrey follows Sansa and gloats about everything, and ends up claiming that he could totally rape her tonight. Joffrey tries to do the bedding ceremony, and Tyrion stops him by threatening him. Joffrey goes purple with anger. Tywin steps in and the situation is partially defused. Tyrion drags Sansa out of the room, informing her that he’ll tell her everything she needs to know to put her in the mood. He goes for more wine, and Sansa lets him know she’s 14, which kills whatever boner he might have had at that point. Sansa pours herself a drink and starts to remove her clothes. Tyrion stops her and passes out.

Daario’s wandering through the camp, and we know it’s him by his naked lady daggers. Dany and Missendei are bathing and going over languages. Daario sneaks in. Oh, look, he and Dany are wearing his and hers hairstyles. He also has the heads of his fellow captains, and his devotion to Dany’s nipples, which are attached to her very real and very natural breasts. Daario swears himself to her, while she puts on an AMAING robe that I want, now.

Shae storms into Tyrion’s bedroom and wakes the sleeping couple up. However, once she sees that Sansa’s still a virgin, she perks up.

Sam and Gilly pass a weirwood tree. A crow shows up. Gilly gathers firewood and more crows show up. Gilly tries to flirt, but it doesn’t happen. Gilly wonders why Sam can’t speak normal “English” and Sam gets confused. More crows show up. Sam wonders why Gilly hasn’t named the baby, and Gilly doesn’t know many boys’ names. As we go over the list, all the ones Gilly likes, Sam hates. This bonding moment is interrupted by even more crows. Sam goes outside, where one of our HBO ice zombies shows up, destroying Sam’s sword. Sam stabs him with his obsidian dagger and the ice zombie turns into powder. Sam and Gilly run off.

Two more episodes folks!! Keep coming back!!