cartman

Getting you primed for The Stick of Truth.

This coming Tuesday marks the release of the long-awaited game, South Park: The Stick of Truth. The anticipated RPG promises deep gameplay with the wild humor that South Park brings on a weekly basis, and I feel it best to honor the series’ storied success with my personal Top 10 favorite episodes, in advance of the game’s release:

10. “Royal Pudding” – If tradition is more your speed, then saddle up for some wacky Canadian customs. Some examples, you ask? Well, how about ripping off your bride’s arm and then shoving it up your ass? Covering your arms in butterscotch pudding, then having the bride scrape it off and spread it on her face? There actually is a story to be had, too, and that is the rescue of the Canadian princess from the evil Tooth Decay by Ike.

9. “Crème Fraiche” – Ever wish for a sex hotline for foodies? This episodes brings such a desire to life. After becoming addicted to and seemingly sexually aroused by the Food Network, Randy pursues cooking while Sharon discovers the Shake Weight when she believes that she is no longer attractive to Randy. While she’s working out, he’s appearing on challenge shows after taking over the school cafeteria. Eventually, Sharon realizes the true purpose of the Shake Weight, which is what we’re all thinking every time one of the commercials airs: handjobs.

8. “Super Fun Time” – Go back to 1864 in this “super fun” episode where a class trip to Pioneer Village turns ugly real fast. A group of armed men who had just robbed a Burger King show up and take everyone hostage. Meanwhile, Butters and Cartman had ditched the trip (Cartman wanted out and Butters is his buddy for the field trip, so he’s forced to go along) to hit up Super Phun Tyme, a nearby arcade. Since the people of Pioneer Village can’t break character, the hostage situation only gets worse in the most hilarious ways possible. Eventually, Stan plays this to his advantage and saves the day.

7. “Fishsticks” – A rather benign joke from Jimmy turns into a crisis when Kanye West believes he’s been called a gay fish (sources say that this might actually be true) and as he’s done with most of his career, Carlos Mencia claims credit for the comedic sensation. Meanwhile, Cartman spends most of the episode convincing himself that he was the one who came up with the joke, and that Jimmy stole it from him. Finally, Kanye comes to terms with being a gay fish, and swims happily among his own kind.

6. “Cripple Fight” – Jimmy and Timmy throw down in what I consider to be the greatest fight in South Park history. Here is the iconic fight in all its glory for your viewing pleasure. I need not make a further case for this episode’s inclusion on the list.

5. “The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers” – What do you get when you cross Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and a misplaced video that happens to be the most vile and disgusting porno ever? A completely traumatic and golden episode that ranks with the series’ best. In this instant classic, the boys embark on a mission to return the porno to the local video store while Butters takes on the role of Gollum in search of the tape, predictably referred to as his “Precious”. After successfully returning the tape, battling both Butters and a bunch of 6th graders, the boys receive a lecture from their parents about some of the less traditional aspects of sex. Problem is, the only one who actually saw the tape was Token.

4. “Imaginationland” – I’m grouping all three parts as one episode here because they truly capture the essence of the show as a whole rather than separate parts. The saga begins with another argument/bet between Kyle and Cartman. Cartman believes that leprechauns are real, and naturally Kyle does not. If Cartman can prove they exist, Kyle would have to suck his balls. If not, Cartman owes Kyle $10 (kind of a lopsided bet, in my view). After stumbling upon one and later being transported to Imaginationland, the boys embark on a mission to save all the fabricated creatures from their evil counterparts in an attempt to cram as many awesome references as possible into three incredible episodes.

3. “The Losing Edge” – If you’ve ever heard someone yell out “I’M SORRY, I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA” while impersonating Randy, this is the episode they’re referencing. The boys are stuck playing baseball, a sport they all hate, and continuously try to lose games to no avail. Randy takes the “being a crazy parent at their kid’s sporting event” archetype a bit too far when he constantly gets wasted and fights fans of the other team at every game. Eventually, he meets his match when he takes on Batdad, and when the fight spills onto the field he gets the South Park team disqualified to the delight of the boys.

2. “Good Times With Weapons” – What if South Park tried an anime episode? Take the kids to the fair and let them buy ninja weapons, and you have your answer. Cartman creates an omnipotent persona for himself as the boys fight evil and other ninjas with their very real weapons. After Butters (as the nefarious Professor Chaos, who I hope appears in The Stick of Truth) catches a shuriken to the eye from Kenny, instead of taking him to the hospital and admitting fault they dress him up as a dog and try to take him to the vet.

1. “Scott Tenorman Must Die” – If there’s one episode of South Park that will always appear in a top whatever list, it’s this one. If it doesn’t, tell the person who made it that they’re wrong. Kicking off the show’s fifth season, this episode features Cartman being bullied by 9th grader Scott Tenorman. Mostly centered around money and pubes, Cartman gets trolled by Scott at every turn. That is, until he hatches the most brilliantly evil plan I have ever seen in action. It’s so evil that I could never do it justice by trying to explain. Click here and enjoy the deliciousness.