Last time, the queens created cheesy children’s television programs. Coco and Alyssa fought. Detox won and Monica left. More in the jump. [Read more…] about RuPaul’s Drag Race: The Best Damn Dancer at the American Ballet Academy
Dance Moms Recap: No Crying in Dance
Welcome back to Pittsburgh, folks! Everyone’s here and we’re ready for more Dance Moms after the jump! [Read more…] about Dance Moms Recap: No Crying in Dance
RuPaul’s Drag Race Recap: I Love You, You Love Me
Last time on RuPaul’s Drag Race, Lineysha channeled her inner Tyra and Serena went home, to everyone’s relief. Join us after the jump. [Read more…] about RuPaul’s Drag Race Recap: I Love You, You Love Me
Downton Abbey Recap: These Have Always Brought Me Luck
Last time on Yellington Abbey! Carson and Lord Robert yelled because Ethel got her whore hands all over Harriet Jones’ luncheon. Half the family yelled at Branson for wanting his daughter to be Catholic and everyone yelled at Edith for having an opinion. [Read more…] about Downton Abbey Recap: These Have Always Brought Me Luck
Dance Moms Recap: Boys, Boys, Boys
Previously on Dance Moms, Abbey yelled so much that Christi snapped and called her fat! The girls were in the room so there was a lot of crying. Let’s dive in! [Read more…] about Dance Moms Recap: Boys, Boys, Boys
RuPauls Drag Race Recap: Queens of Yesteryear
It’s RuPaul’s Drag Race time! Are you ready? Beat your mug and your loins girded for some drama! [Read more…] about RuPauls Drag Race Recap: Queens of Yesteryear
Downton Abbey Recap: People Like Us
Last time, on Julian Fellows Hates His Fan Base, lots and lots of things happened. Babies were born and people argued and Lady Sybil died. Caught up? Good. [Read more…] about Downton Abbey Recap: People Like Us
Dance Moms Recap: More Often Than Not Are Hotter Than Hot
It’s Dance Moms time! Have you been keeping up? In case you haven’t, there have been lots and lots of screaming. All the dancers were replaced and then brought back. Caught up? Good. [Read more…] about Dance Moms Recap: More Often Than Not Are Hotter Than Hot
RuPaul’s Drag Race Recap: Like a Fish to Water
Welcome to RuPaul’s Drag Race!! Are you excited? I know I am, even though I have no idea who these people are! Let’s bust out our control top panty hose and get going!
The first thing I notice about the opener is that there are no big girls here. It’s all skinny femme girls. Oh boy. There’s going to be a lot of screaming, I can tell. Let’s meet the ladies.
Detox dances and sings and I already don’t care. It’s Willam 2.0. Roxxxy comes in and needs to blend, or something. I’m confused by the shade of her base. Jade is pretty much a girl. No really. Serena shows up in a tulle dress but with no Spanish accent. Interesting. Alyssa informs us that she’s the Vanessa Williams of drag. I wonder how Ms. Williams feels about this. Jinkx is Seattle’s Youngest MILF and another actor. I don’t know if I have the strength. Penny shows up as our resident big girl, and is also the fan favorite, and makes a big deal about that. Vivianne is an Asian Bettie Paige wannabe. Alaska is Sharron Needles’ boyfriend and shows up in a horse mask. Everyone’s awkward. Honey is giving us Pam Grier realness. Ivy comes in trying too hard. Monica whatever can’t say her name without saying her full name. Lineysha Sparks is our resident Spanish speaker. Coco comes in last. I’m assuming you know what that means…
Uh oh! There’s already drama going on between the girls!
She-Mail! RuPaul’s all shook up! Is it another disaster motif? The dolls start screaming and somewhere a group of Justin Bieber fans think it’s too much.
Instead of a disaster, we’re starting out in the pool. The pit crew’s in speedos and I don’t care about anything else except more Sean Morales. Jade comes in and somehow manages to miss the giant tin of water. Yeah.
It’s going to be Esther Williams homage. I can’t imagine that this will be good for their outfits and make-up. Serena’s paella is showing and it turns out she wasn’t tucking, due to a poufy dress. The other dolls give her the Look. Half these people can’t handle water. No, really. Who are these people who don’t ever learn how to swim? Pool parties? Beaches? Like they NEVER go near the water. I’m so confused. There’s the obvious Shelley Winters joke with Penny. Alaska doesn’t know how to go deep and we just leave it at that. Everyone has “I’m holding my breath” face.
Apparently, Jinkx has narcolepsy. I doubt this is the last we’ll hear of this.
Detox wins, and it’s actually a fun picture.
Tomorrow is going to be a shopping spree and everyone’s excited, but realizes that could be a lot of things. Also, Jinkx, take off the Downtown Julie Brown hat.
The dolls get on a double decker tourist bus and start passing by “celebrities” like LaToya and Chas. It’s weird. There’s lots of lip-synching and I have no idea what’s going on. Somewhere, Connie and Carla are jumping in their seats.
The bus stops outside of a boutique and out comes Camille Grammar, who knows ALL about men in dresses, if you catch my drift. She sends them around the back, and everyone looks lost. They’re met by RuPaul in a giant pink Hazmat suit. All the dumpsters in the alley are filled with swag and they have a minute to grab as much shit as they can so they can make a red carpet dress. There’s more screaming and hollering. Take off the damn hat, Jinkx!
Back at headquarters, Roxxxy has a make-up dress that she always wears. Alaska is the first to get naked and apparently has a huge cock. There’s some drama between Jade and one of the others who has a huge overbite and a bolt of red sequined fabric. Shade is thrown, again, and I’m starting to roll my eyes.
Dressmaking time! It’s a mix of talents and abilities. Serena’s going super slow and Ru’s concerned. Jade talks more shit about her. Roxxxy talks about her recent weight loss and we all tell her she looks great. Penny discusses her dress and Ru looks unconvinced. Alaska’s making a saran wrap dress. Yup. That’s right.
While they’re getting ready, everyone talks more shit about everyone else. Alaska bring sup that he’s dating Sharron and everyone starts asking about their sex life. He’s apparently insecure about it all, and Overbite digs and digs. Serena interrupts everyone with a screech that makes Tyra’s voice seem beautiful. More shade. I don’t care. Let’s meet the judges.
Tonight, we have Mike Ruiz, who’s pretty but…. yeah, he’s pretty. The other judge is Camille Grammar. Why not? Runway time!
Roxxxy still needs to blend but the judges like the dress.
Jinkx just wrapped herself in fabric.
Detox is non-descript.
Ivy’s dress looks well sewn and her hair is very Janice Dickenson
Honey’s dress is weird, but I like the top (Shut up)
Jade looks like NBC and a Carol Channing hooker had a kid.
Alysssa’s was fun until she opened the cape thing.
Penny’s a scroll down which gets worse and worse the further you go down.
Coco looks like a frosting disaster.
Vivienne does the same mid-thigh chiffon train thing.
Alaska’s actually came together. Go her.
Lynesha’s dress is rather dramatic and kind of cool though could fit a bit better.
Monica is Dida 2.0
Serena just looks . . . weird.
Ru berates the safe girls and they all cry.
The judges love Roxxxy’s dress and she butters up RuPaul by showing off how she bought Ru’s shoes. Ivy’s sewing impresses the judges, but Santino wants some trash thrown in. I’m leaving that alone. Jade has too much going on. Yes. Yes she does. The judges talk about Penny and her dress and her shading, and the camera keeps focusing on Roxxxy. Everyone loves Alaska. Lynesha reveals that her dress was wallpaper and I’m impressed, and don’t mind the fit. Serena looks too much like a little Latin boy in a lederhosen dress. So true.
The judges like Roxxxy and I don’t know why. Michelle calls Ivy’s gown “eloguent” but hates her hair. Santino can’t tell where Jade’s taste level is. Michelle hates the scroll down on Penny. Mike was pleasantly surprised by Alaska, as we all where, but Michelle wants some big ol’ Jersey Girl earrings. The judges talk about Lynesha’s show like Manila didn’t do it two seasons ago. We all hate Serena. Looks like Penny and Serena, folks!
Roxxxy wins the whole she-bang, which I didn’t expect. Ru tells Jade to edit, which, let’s hope THAT happens. Up for elimination? Serena and Penny. Lip-synching to Party in the U.S.A. Yawn. Serena is giving us MOUTH, gworl and is all over the stage. Looks like it’s going to be nothing but skinny bitches after this. Penny doesn’t know the words and covers it up, while Serena is actually performing. Probably because she’s actually heard of the song, and Penny’s all “Miley who?” Serena stay. Go fig.
Next week! Skinny bitches do stuff! I know I’ll be watching!
Downton Abbey Recap: It’s Never Lupus
Last time on Everybody Hates Edith, everyone hated Edith for writing an op-ed, while Matthew felt guilty, now and forever. Maggie Smith said something sassy that you and all your friends have already memorized. Everyone caught up? Good. Remember, this is a recap, and yes, beyond this point, there are spoilers.
Dr. Clarkson is with Lady Sybil and everything’s fine and Tom is glowing. I like him when he smiles. I’ve heard rumors that he will be shirtless soon, and I like that even better. *ahem*
Downstairs, the servants are talking amongst themselves before dinner. There is the new footman, whose name escapes me, but since he looks like the Nazi kid in “The Sound of Music”, I’m going to call him Rolf. Anyway, Thomas has been flirting with “Rolf” and it’s painfully obvious to EVERYONE, even the staff who’s never heard of “homosexuality.” After dinner, Alfred follows the new kitchen maid, Ivy, around, much to Daisy’s chagrin, and Daisy starts pulling rank, since that’s the best way to get a boy.
Upstairs, all this baby talk is making Matthew rethink his guilt about all this money that he’s gotten and how poorly he thinks the estate is being run.
Meanwhile, O’Brien and “Rolf” are talking about winding clocks. Apparently, “Rolf” has been drafted by Thomas to wind all the clocks. O’Brien is talking about this like it’s the MOST AMAZING THING EVER, and how this is significant of how Thomas TOTALLY trusts and respects “Rolf.” I’ve never heard clocks being talked about like that.
Mary and Sybil are talking about pregnancy and we have the usual litany. Swollen ankles, moody moods, pickles and ice cream.
We switch to Thomas standing behind “Rolf” doing the “No really, let me show you how to do it by standing behind you and brush against you” trick. “Rolf” doesn’t fall for it, but at the same time, doesn’t seem to recognize the oldest trick besides the yawn and drop.
Mrs. Bates is at the prison for visiting hours (NO TOUCHING!). She and Bates start talking about a pastry or a pie or something. I feel like I missed something but they’re both very happy and see this as proof that Bates’ ex-wife killed herself. Bates’ cellmate and some ugly prison guard with jug ears conspire against Bates because they hate happiness.
Harriet Jones convinces Ethel, the whore maid, to come work for her. Everyone but Harriet is apprehensive about this.
It’s dinnertime and some old gentleman is with us, and it turns out that he’s a fancy doctor. Oh well. After dinner, Matthew accosts Phillip and brings up the spinal injury from last season that I thought that we had all forgotten and/or ignored. Matthew is concerned that his boys might not be working at full capacity, since Mary hasn’t been knocked up in the past few months. Slow down, kid. You have time.
Mrs. Bates talks to Lord Robert about her sleuthing and he congratulates her on her Nancy Drew-ing before heading into the breakfast room to eat. Lady Edith and Matthew are there and a letter comes for Edith. She’s received an offer to write a weekly column about the plight of the modern woman! Oh, if only getting a column was that easy! Lord Robert nixes the idea and Edith middle childs her way of the room.
Harriet Jones is talking to her Plain Old Cook, who’s quitting because she refuses to work with a former whore. They banter for a while, and Harriet Jones gets in a few good shots that just go over the cook’s head. Plain Old Cook leaves anyway.
In the kitchen, the footmen, sans Thomas, are flirting with Ivy, who’s not that pretty. They’re interrupted by Daisy who is currently drunk with power and kicks them all out in a jealous fit. This continues on to the cooking where she orders Ivy around. The hollandaise sauce curdles and Ivy doesn’t know what to do. “Rolf” magically fixes the sauce, earning the respect of Mrs. Bridges and Ivy and the ire of Daisy.
Upstairs, the daughters are consoling Tom before dinner. Maggie Smith finds out about Edith’s blog and is not amused. Everything gets stopped because it looks like something’s wrong with Sybil, and the doctors are fighting over who’s right. It’s like an episode of House. We know it’s not lupus, but we’re not sure if it’s not sarcoidosis.
While that’s going on, Ethel and Harriet Jones are off to a bad start, as Ethel attempts a kidney soufflé, which sounds awful, and is beyond her cooking skills.
Downstairs, Plain Old Cook wrote the staff at Downton a letter informing them about the scarlet woman who’s now working for the family. The staff accuses each other of being hypocrites and leaves it at that.
Upstairs, Sybil is slowly going crazy. The doctors argue over if this is pre-eclampsia or not. She may or may not need to go to the hospital RIGHT NOW and may nor may not need a caesarian. All this arguing is interrupted by Sybil screaming.
Meanwhile, Ethel screws up Harriet Jones’ tea and Daisy interrupts another group flirtation session. Mrs. Bridges sits Daisy down and gives her a Come to Jesus talk about how Ivy doesn’t care about Alfred and all this nastiness is going to do the complete opposite of what Daisy really wants.
Upstairs, everyone’s waiting in the parlor until Mary pops in, looking calm and informs them that Sybil and the new baby are fine. Apparently, they didn’t take her to the hospital. Everyone’s fine and happy and Sybil talks to Cora about her plans for Tom and the baby. Why does this feel like something’s about to happen?
Everyone in the house rejoices and Thomas gives “Rolf” a look that says “we should TOTALLY have sex.” “Rolf” freaks out and talks to O’Brien about this. O’Brien basically tells him he should go sleep with Thomas if he wants to be anything other than a scullery maid, but without actually saying that.
The next morning, my suspicions are confirmed, since there’s something wrong with Sybil. There’s lots of screaming and Dr. Clarkson does his best to say I Told You So, instead of doing anything. Not that there’s anything either one of the doctors can do, but they do just stand there while Sybil has a seizure and everyone else breaks down.
And crap. Lady Sybil’s dead. That sound you heard is thousands of fans turning off their TVs in rage.
Cora promises to take care of Tom and the baby. Edith and Mary use this as a weird bonding moment, since they seem to have the foresight to know that they won’t become best friends and will probably still loathe each other, but still take a moment to reaffirm their familial bond.
Mrs. Bates talks to a solicitor about her husband’s wrongful improvement and the difficulty of getting the woman who hates them all to stick to her story, once she finds out that her story might free Mr. Bates. Afterwards, the same solicitor talks to Matthew about the running of the estate, which Mary walks in on. Mary’s pissed, since her father isn’t involved, but that’s where we run into a problem since Robert is Earl, but Matthew is the heir AND the money is his. The solicitor travels to the prison to talk to Mr. Bates. Jug Ears and Cell Mate conspire in the shadows.
The family gathers in the parlor, and Cora has a “screw all of you” moment and it looks like Robert’s still sleeping on the couch for a while. We end with Tom holding his newborn, staring out the window.
Wow, that was a tough one!! Next time! Mr. Bates gets into a prison fight and everyone talks about religion! I know I’m excited.