gay

SEX ED: Increasing Volume of Ejaculation with Orgasm….Is It Possible???

Dear Sex Ed, I am a 34 year old, heterosexual male in a relationship with my girlfriend for 2 1/2 years. I’ve noticed lately that when I cum, hardly anything comes out anymore. Is there anything i can do about this?

Thanks, Drying Up in NYC.

Dear Drying Up,

Volume of ejaculate can be affected by various circumstances related to you or to the situation. Situational variables include how turned on you are by your partner, the “newness” of the encounter, or how much time is spent being aroused before orgasm. Volume and “vigor” of ejaculation can be affected by poor prostate health such as prostatitis, an inflammation of the gland which can be either very painful or asymptomatic. Testosterone levels have a big effect on the nature and sensation of orgasm in men and can be treated with prescription testosterone supplementation. Frequency of orgasms can also have an effect; the ideal interval between ejaculations to maximize sperm production is 3-5 days but waiting longer doesn’t necessarily mean more production and there can even be diminishing returns by waiting too long. Ejaculation can be significantly affected by drugs (prescription and recreational) and alcohol. Prescription medications that are associated with a negative effect on sex function include (but are not limited to) SSRIs (like Prozac, Zoloft, Lexapro, and others), opiate pain medications (Vicodin or Percocet), anti-histamines and decongestants (Benadryl, Sudafed), and Propecia. Recreational use of marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, or pretty much anything else can often have an effect in a bad way on both erections and orgasms. Sometimes medications like Cialis or Viagra can be of use by allowing a longer period of foreplay without fear of losing an erection.

If there is any concern about prostate health, negative effect of prescription medications, or to pursue the use of prescription medications, a visit with an internist or a urologist would be advised. Men often learn about sex through pornography and it is important to remember that actors in adult entertainment are not typically “average” when it comes to sexual function, so it’s a good idea not to compare yourself to what you see in the movies. The bottom line is that in order to maximize your semen volume you need to take your time during foreplay, consider changing things up with your partner to “spice it up” a bit, and take a break for a day or three between orgasms.

QUESTIONS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, SEX, OR JUST ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE CAN BE SUBMITTED TO SEX ED BELOW, OR VIA EMAIL TO [email protected]

Politics in gay bars: what to/ not to do

by Ryan Shea

As it has been nine years now since I started going to gay bars back in the day in Providence, I have seen my fair share of quite frankly everything one can see for themselves. When you live in a city like Manhattan, the gay bars are plentiful and designed for a certain type of atmosphere or look. Each and every guy you see in there has a purpose of being there. There are the ones who just got off of work and are there for happy hour and a drink. There are ones who go to the special leather nights and want to find a guy who either has a strap on their right or left arm (if you get that analogy, congratulations). There are ones who go with a group and are social just for the fact of being social. Then there are the elusive ones who are brave enough to go out there on their own and try to find someone. Be it a conversation, a boyfriend or a one night stand, we have all been there in terms of what we want to get out of it. So if you are that striking, handsome chap who happens to find themselves at the local gay bar in Chelsea, here are a couple of things you can do in order to make sure that at the end of the night you leave with a smile on your face (and pants hopefully).

Approaching someone who is alone-

This is really the best case-scenario as their is no blockage in the way (groups, annoying girls who show up with them, etc). There are really good ways to gauge how you can approach something like this. If you happen to be standing next to them, or across the bar, make sure that you know they are attracted. How? Usually, if a guy looks up at you a handful of times and stares/smiles, it’s a go. If they do that and are not moving from the position they are in, generally they want you to come over and say hello. After a handful of smiles, go over and say hello. Figure out a topic of conversation outside of the “You are cute, so are you” and go with it. That way, you have found someone of interest and hopefully will have a good night. These situations require bravery in that you don’t want to keep looking at each other and not do anything about it. Someone else might approach or a friend shows up late and they get there, and you lose your chance. Carpe Diem- seize the moment.

Infiltrating the group scenario-

This is one of the more trickier ones, especially if you are there by yourself. Let’s start by making this easier- you are with a friend or two. There are so many scenarios here. In a city like New York, so many people know each other. One good way is if you or your friend happen to know one of the guys in the other group, that way making social interaction is easy and you can go from there. What if that doesn’t happen? There are ways around it without making it awkward, but if you are in a sports bar generally you can strike up a conversation about who they are rooting for and what they think about the game. If the other group aren’t dickish, they will respond and generate a good conversation. If you happen to be alone and see a guy in a group that you want to talk to, I would advise not. They are there with a group to have a good time and usually will not look for anything more than that. BUT, if they happen to be in a twosome or threesome, wait for their friend to leave to get a drink and then jump in. It may not lead to the best case scenario in that other guy might be their date or not interested, but it always helps to go in for the kill. You never know.

Getting the guys number-

So in those two scenarios, you have made it to the conversation. Whatever you are talking about, you are getting the feeling the guy is interested. Here are some good motives to getting that number and securing date number one. One- try to be witty and cute. Say something like, “So I’m cute, you are cute, let’s go on a date and be cute together”. That way, he laughs and knows that you are interested in going on a date without over doing it. If the witty approach doesn’t work for you, it always works to just be blunt and say “Can I get your number’. Some like that, some don’t. There have been situations where a guy will give you a fake number, which is the worst because then you can really tell what you are doing is a waste of time. Ask him “Here is my number, call me with yours so I can save it in my phone”. Then you know the guy is for real.

These are just some fun, helpful tips to have a successful night at whatever bar you deemed appropriate to go to. Good luck, and happy man hunting!

Gay Marriage debate- you silly bible thumpers

by Ryan Shea

Two days ago my Facebook News Feed was flooded with red and more red and more red. The constant change of several gay and straight friend’s profile pictures was a significant eye opening experience as the DOMA (Defense Of Marriage Act) and the ban on California’s Prop 8 have come into severe play on the Supreme Court. What made it so amazing to me is how many of my personal friends and thousands of others are for the ban and challenge of both acts and propositions and really how the support for gays in this country has increased exponentially in the past ten to fifteen years.

The funniest part of this whole thing is the opposition. Now, I always do my best to come into things with a mature look on both angles regardless if I happen to be biased on one side. This time around, there is no defense for the conservative bible thumpers who ONLY have one defense in this whole thing- the bible itself. Really people, you take one line in an entire book and turn it into something that is so beyond catastrophically stupid that we even have these ridiculous and time consuming debates, court cases and millions of people feeling like second class citizens.

I will only speak from my experience here. I always get the sense that these right-wing, old fashioned homophobic people view gay men in particular as only one way. They fear us for several reasons and blame a lot of what they think we are on their own huge insecurities. It wasn’t too long ago that interracial marriage was banned, now that is over. It wasn’t too long ago that white and black people drank from separate water fountains, now that is over. These things are all over because people stood up for what they believed was right (and actually was), spoke the fuck up and silenced the morons that were raised on their own bigotry because their parents and people around them taught to be hateful, simple minded jackasses.

This has even gotten to a point where the most right wing, conservative people like Bill O’Reilly and Karl Rove have stated somewhat in jest but really saying that gay marriage should happen. Yes, Bill O’Reilly and Karl Rove. Several other conservatives have stepped forward, in particular ones that thanks to Andrew Cuomo were a big part in legalizing gay marriage here in New York. I am fortunate, because I live in one of the states that when I do get married (gotta find the guy first, hit me up I’m cute) I can do it in a legal fashion and not have to tip-toe around a civil union or drive thousands of miles to another state to make it real. If this issue has become that drastic where the most conservative of conservatives are siding with gay and gay friendly people on this matter, then I don’t see why this whole process can be taken care of, prop 8 thrown away, DOMA taken down, and that EVERY MOTHER FUCKING STATE legalizes gay marriage. Everyone, and I mean EVERY PERSON deserves equal rights. This has become our civil rights movement, and we deserve what everyone else has.

As Miranda Priestly puts it so easily yet to the point, “That’s All”.

OZ: The Great and Powerful Movie Review

by Ryan Shea

The Wizard of Oz starring Judy Garland is one of my favorite movies of all time! The story line and imagination behind that movie captivated me at a young age. Still to this day I can recite every line and sing every song. Also, recently I had the pleasure of seeing Wicked, the Broadway play about the witches of Oz and fell in love. The story was enchanting, exhilarating, and even comedic.

So when I saw the coming attraction to Oz: The Great and Powerful I was curious to say the least. This film is a prequel to The Wizard of Oz and describes how the Wizard found his way to Oz.

James Franco starts the Wizard of Oz, a mediocre carnival magician, with a habit of flirting with the wrong women. Franco’s performance was much like his characters magic tricks, dull and insipid. His portrayal of the Wizard of Oz was lifeless and monotone. I was extremely disappointed in his performance and his depiction alone ruined the movie for me.

The plot of the movie was also lacking imagination. Mila Kunis plays Theodora who starts out as a good witch but after being scorned by the Wizard turns wicked. Yet another boring performance! Kunis lacked emotion and was not the right pick for this character. Rachel Weisz takes the role of Evanora, a wicked witch right from the beginning, and Theodora’s sister. Weisz actually did an admirable job depicting this character. Her performance was believable and her character was conniving and wicked.

Michelle Williams stars as Glinda, The Good Witch. The Wizard is decieved by Evanora to believe that Glinda was actually the Wicked Witch and, in order for Oz to take his place as King of the Land of Oz, he must kill her by breaking her magic wand.

If you aren’t confused yet, just watch the movie. The plot was a little to outrageous to click with the original story line. There are too many differences that do not add up. In this film, Emerald City is controlled by the Wicked witches, and the munchkins are only a small portion of the Oz population.

Oz: The Great and Powerful was anti-climactic and unimagined. The story line was too far off from the original outline of The Wizard of Oz, and the acting was disappointing. I was really looking forward to this movie and am sad to be so let down. I suggest saving your money and going to see Wicked instead!

Why Scruff > Grindr, for so many reasons

by Ryan Shea

I have discussed in past articles why Scruff on a man is really essential in the first place. Yet there is an app for all smart phones and iPad’s that exist as well and has the same name. For a couple of years now, Scruff has become the go to app for gay men to meet each other, be it for friendship, dating or the casual hook up and it’s popularity rivals and sometimes beats the original gay icon app, Grindr.

Grindr isn’t bad per se. To me personally, it is a very minimized version of what you can get out of a gay app. It is a simple photo (that is being put loosely as some of the photos are trees or odd body hair) and a basic description of what the guy is looking for. Mainly, it is a hook up app. There is nothing wrong with that at all. Also, from what it seems the aesthetic seems to be one note as well, but that is just from my viewpoint.

Scruff to me has such a variety of options and you can really put yourself out there in more ways than one. Several guys that I have met off of there have actually turned into really great friends and you can use the site for more ways than one. They have great features from promoting your own business (I used to do it with my Examiner profile), and a variety of men with mainly the background of why Scruff is called Scruff.

Unlike other sites, Scruff accepts everyone on there. You can really get to know a person based on the description of your profile, and even though some are vague, some really happen to be interesting and thought provoking. There are ones that make you see past what they look like and you can form a conversation based off of mutual interests being jobs, movies, music, etc. In comparisons to Grindr, I think that if you want a successful app you have to be detailed in how you organize your profile in order to engage the user in wanting more than just clicking on the picture.

So survey says? For me, Scruff it is. If you haven’t tried either of them, and are curious to see what they are about, try them out. See for

yourself what is better for you. As stated in previous articles, this is just my opinion. Happy Hunting everyone! Oh, and this is hands down the best message I have ever gotten anywhere, gay or not.

My problems with the bear community

by Ryan Shea

I will start this one off by saying in the past couple of years I have met some incredible and wonderful people in the bear and gay community as a whole, some of who I call my best friends nowadays. So this isn’t a cry for help or woe is me article whatsoever. Just my problems with the bear community from my point of view.

To me, the word “bear” is so unbelievably skewed that I don’t think people even know what it really is meant for anymore. There are so many different definitions in this community that in a way I still don’t know what I am considered (nor do I care really, I am just Ryan). From my understanding, when the bear community started back in the 80’s it was meant to be a community of guys that were in a way shunned from the norm and had an outlet to be themselves in a very stereotypical gay world.

That still rings true to this day I believe. The context though is all screwed up. If you look at a lot of porn sites advertising “bears” the ones that usually show up are chiseled guys who just happen to not have shaven their body that week. That doesn’t make any sense. A bear to me is a naturally hairy guy who happens to be of a certain weight or size and not necessarily a 6 pack with purchase. The former is becoming the norm, which I take issue with because several of those ones that like that have a very fucked up elitist attitude and walk down the street like they are god’s gift to this earth. Just stop.

Being in New York City already has its challenges in the gay world as stated before, but to be labeled as something as a “bear” or “cub” or “muscle cub” and so on and so forth quite frankly just gets tiresome and annoying. Be yourself. I’ve said it before that individuality in this community is hard to come by as many a gay man tend to group themselves and become clique-ish and very high school in that matter. The ones that I am friends with I hang out with individually, as I like to get to know a person like that and not at some stupid bear event or circuit party where their focus is who the next guy they will sleep with as opposed to a nice conversation. People in this community try to figure out who they are immediately because they want to fit a certain type. Take your time, relax, and eventually it will come to you. In other words, don’t fake it til you make it.

Open relationships- for some, never for me

by Ryan Shea

I can already tell I am going to get a lot of shit for writing this story, but really it is a very controversial topic in todays society, and I am not even talking about in the gay world either. The growing trend of an open relationship seems to be getting bigger and bigger as the years go by, and my thought in all of this is have we lost the art of the traditional relationship? What do I mean by that? I mean by one where each partner is faithful, that they are happy being in an emotionally and physically monogamous relationship without having to succumb to the outside pressures of sex and cheating.

I personally have several friends who happen to be in open relationships, and to which I say if it works for them, then that’s great. I am not them, so who am I to judge? This article really is not one on judging or feeling like I am better than them because of my viewpoint. I have been in three relationships my entire life. All of them I have been faithful, and as far as I am concerned so has my partner at that point. When we both made the decision to be a couple, not once did it cross my mind to think of cheating on him in the duration of when I was with him. When i say “I Love You”, it means that I am not going to go astray and find another guy to fulfill my needs emotionally or sexually. THAT’S JUST ME.

I have been approached, both in person and online, by several men who are in “open relationships”. A couple of weeks ago I was at a party where the majority of the men there were in fact coupled. There was one guy in particular who took a liking to me, as I did him. We talked for a while and started making out, but for some reason I felt an eye on us the whole time. When I opened my eyes it was this random dude staring what I thought to be daggers at me. I stopped, asked the guy who he was, and he said “oh yeah, that’s my boyfriend”. I didn’t know how to feel at that point. My whole thought process was that the guy liked me and was into me, and then I am viewed as the evil troll or something. Really its quite frustrating.

For me, I want someone to myself, and not to feel like I have to share them or something. As funny as it sounds, I don’t feel like being someone’s “guest star” in their relationship. I want to be the series regular that gets renewed every fall season. Corny, yes. Honest, yes. My whole thought process if I was in an open relationship is that if I know he’s out there finding something else, what I am doing wrong that is making it OK for that in fact to happen? As stated before, everyone has their own way of going through love and what they do, and I am not here to judge that. I am just stating these things based on my experience so far.

Comments are gladly accepted, and I would love to know your viewpoints. However, don’t condemn me for what I wrote. We all have our opinions.

Bullying exists in the gay world. Yup.

by Ryan Shea

This is an article that I could write a whole novel on, heck turn in into a series like “Twilight” or something. I could also write from an extremely pessimistic and somewhat “bitchy” point of view, yet I want my point to get across without sounding like that. So I will do my best to stay focused and not go off the narrow end of anger and frustration towards the gay community.

As the title of this article states, bullying really does exist in the gay world. Whether people want to admit it or not, it is there, and it’s rampant. I find this to be more true in big cities like New York and Atlanta and not so much in towns and smaller, lesser known communities. For five years I lived in Providence, Rhode Island for school. There is where I truly was able to be myself and out, and actually found a really great group of guys who weren’t judgemental and had me apart of their circle without judgement or negativity.

I, foolishly, thought the same when I moved back to New York in 2009 and attempted to do the same here in terms of making friends. The result was completely the opposite. I learned that in big cities like this, you have to draw a very fine line in order to get respect and a good group of friends along with that. If you come across as too friendly and nice, you are viewed as a huge slut. If you come across as reserved and quiet, you are seen as a wallflower or a dickhead. Either way, it’s not easy. I learned that the hard way when I started becoming friends with a certain group of guys who within a month turned on me, and I saw first hand just how truly vile people can really be.

I never was bullied in high school or growing up, in fact I was pretty well liked by the majority of my school because I was outgoing and just plain nice to people. This experience made me think of the people, both men and women, who actually were teased and bullied growing up, relate to them after the experience I dealt with. Especially with cyber bullying. I got a glimpse from a friend about a never ending update someone made about me, and I couldn’t even read the whole thing. Words thrown around like “Desperate”, “Fat F**k”, “Slut” and many others were used so freely mainly from people who I don’t know or barely even met. I sat there, thinking “what did I do wrong”?

Then it made me think further. The gay community for the most part, is high school 2.0. Especially the bears. It is designed for many men who were in fact teased growing up, to form a group of men and treat others how they were treated for their own satisfaction. There are ones that do it in a variety of arenas, elitist ones who feel because they go to the gym 5-6 hours a day that they are better than everyone else, and a ton others. Quite frankly, its pathetic. Will it ever end? No. Because the shallow end of the sea is where many men prefer to be. Many need to grow up and realize what they are doing to others is wrong. I am not the only one that has endured this, I know several personally that do it. It is a sick cycle that I wish would just stop.

I think Dan Savage and his whole “It Gets Better” movement really is a fantastic one, and I completely get it. Sadly, these kids who do realize it does get better and come out (which is already a hurdle in itself) have to face a whole other hurdle in coming into the gay community. My advice to everyone is stay strong, be yourself, and fuck what everyone else thinks. I learned that the hard way, but I am glad to have that mentality. If you go through life always knowing who you are and are secure in that aspect, you won’t let these douchebags get you down in the least. Be you.

Thanks for listening to my rant 🙂

Totally Tyler and my totally awesome interview. Totally.

by Ryan Shea

I have known the wonderful author and blogger that goes by the name of “Totally Tyler” for quite a bit now. We have shared our funny tweets via Twitter about our love for bacon and chocolate (that can be left open to interpretation) and many other facets of our lives. Yesterday, I had the opportunity to sit down and meet him to discuss the launch of his second book “Boys, Booze and Booty Calls: The Continued Tales of Totally Tyler”. Even in my mimosa haze (don’t judge, they were freaking delicious), I got to know him on a much deeper level and truly experienced what a phenomenal author and man he truly is.

How did you go about writing this second book?

Well this second book is really a continuation of the first one, which was based off of blogs that I had written. When I was writing the blogs, it was just a thing. I had never really put too much thought into where it would go. One day I was approached by a publishing company that wanted to make a book out of my posts, but the way I wanted to do it was to write them from the beginning. So the first book is from 2005, then second one is from 2006, so technically speaking I already have seven books done just from the blog posts I have.

You write a lot in this second book about your insecurities in a gay relationship. Do you think a middle aged straight woman could pick up this book and relate to what you are going through?

Maybe not directly to each situation, but I think insecurities are prevalent in any relationship. Doubting yourself, doubting the faith you have in that other person- that’s part of a relationship. It’s taking the risk.

Do you think farting is good in a relationship (there is a chapter in this book. Freaking hilarious).

No! Kidding. I think it is a sign of comfortability and being who you are in front of your partner.

Most of this book is based from your experience in Georgia. You have lived both there and here in New York City, do you see there being stark differences between the two?

Definitely. Interacial dating is very difficult in the south, that is for one. Up here, if you are making out with a gay guy in a bar he always has one eye focused on you and one eye open to see if there is anything better he can have. Atlanta tends to be a lot more laid back whereas everything here in New York City is a lot more fast paced. Guys meet each other everywhere here from the bars to the gym, that isn’t really prevalent down there. I like both of course, but there are definitely differences in the two.

You write a lot about Madonna. Even one chapter is riddled with songs that describe what the actual chapter is about, which is very cleverly done. Why is she your idol?

She is in every book actually, yet becomes more and more prevalent in each one. She is my idol because with every album she has released, and the message that goes along with it, has directly correlated with events that are going on in my life at the moment. I was raised Mormon, and was debating with my religion for quite sometime when “Like A Prayer” was released. When her album “Erotica” came out is actually when I came out. That album has had a direct response with what was going on in my life at that time.

What are your hopes for the future with this book and ultimately your life?

For this book I would love for it to be a bestseller and make a lot of money of course. Life wise, I would love to fall in love with a handsome man and really just have happiness and success like everyone else wants.

The book in itself is written from a gay man’s perspective, yet it touches on several different aspects of people’s lives that can be relatable if you aren’t in fact gay. Whether it is going through the weeks and months of being unemployed, insecurities, doubts in relationships, to ultimately realizing your goals, there really is something for everyone. Everyone should go out and get a copy!

If you want to get a copy, pick up one here!

Book Cover — Credit to: www.twitter.com/@totally_tyler

: Credit to: www.twitter.com/totallytyler

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